Boogers & Blooms; How He Loves Me

First of all, I forgot to thank you all for your feedback, love, support, and questions over this post. It's one of the most popular posts I've ever had and have received all sorts of emails, texts, comments, fb messages, you name it, that have all been really humbling. Thank you for allowing us to share this part of our life with you.

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A few weeks ago I was talking to one of my amazingly talented birth photographer friends about a birth she had attended. She told me the story of this mama's little girl and how she had desperately wanted a little sister, so she and her husband told their daughter to pray for it. Soon enough, they were pregnant with their fifth baby. Then, halfway through, they found out this new blessing was going to be a baby girl! So then she gets to the make me bawl my eyes out part. When she calls her kiddos into the room after the delivery she stops big sister and says "This is God's gift to you. God did this for you K because you asked Him. He will always do these things for you when you ask Him."

[fastforward to about 3:40 to see this tear jerking moment]

I am blown away by this mama's ability to give God all the Glory and instill this kind of beauty in her children.
So wanting to steal a piece of this beautiful uniqueness, I decide to have my own deep, tear jerking moment with Lily at bedtime, because, you know, that's how it works. I read to her, lay her down, sing to her, pray for her, and tuck her in. Before I turn off the light I lean in close and say "Lily, you are a special gift from Jesus to me, did you know that? He loves us very much and loves giving us things, and he gave me YOU!" As I'm talking, she's staring at me very intently, and as I finish, she lifts her hand, points her finger...and sticks it straight up my nose.
I couldn't help but laugh and say "Ok, God, I got it, you're a comedian, you got me." He said "These are your children, I have given you a special joy in them, delight in that joy!"

So days go by and I've completely forgotten about all of this. Eamon and the girls woke up early to drive me to a midwifery convention and we're stuck in morning rush hour traffic. Along this particular stretch of highway, the Texas wildflowers are covering everything in sight. It's my favorite time of year.

From the back seat Lily yells "Hey Mama..." 
"Yes, Lily?"
"Those flowers for Lily Burke?"
"What baby?"
"Those flowers! They for Lily Burke because Jesus loves me!!"

I actually turned into a puddle of liquid emotion and gratitude right there.

Jesus has always courted me with sunflowers. I have a tattoo on my ring finger to remind me that I am first Christ's bride and that He loves me in a very special way. He has given me indespensible knowledge while gardening, and pulls me into nature any time He wants me close. I have always loved this part of my relationship with Jesus.

Lily, at the ripe old age of 2 and three quarters years old, had realized that her Father, Creator, First Love, and Friend, not only loves her, but loves her in a way that her mommy and daddy can't, and GIFTS her because of this love.

I am still in awe of just how invested He is in my life. In my growth as a woman, wife, and mother. And I could fall on my face in gratitude that He has chosen to continue His work in my precious daughters.

Hope you are having a great week,
Mae

PS,
we're headed out to see family this weekend, so a major photo dump of my babies in their bathing suits is about to happen ;]

"But I Don't Want Anyone Else To Look At My Hoo-Ha!"

On Friday I had my last appointment with Angela

I'd be lying if I said I fought back tears all day thinking about the reality of it being over.

We were getting ready for the PAP [oh ya, it's lady business talk time] and I felt like I had to fart. Angela was telling me about her marriage seminar she's been going to at her church and was being so complimentary about mine and Eamon's marriage...but all I could think was "Oh my god...I'm gonna fart in her face. Please, dear Jesus, do not let me fart in her face." The only thing I remember saying when I started pushing during Norah's labor was "OH NO, I THINK I POOPED!" and to my mortification, they all said "It's okay, Mae." But I had no control over that situation. How embarrassing would it be to hop up on the table, saddle up in the stirrups, and let one rip right in her face?

LUCKILY, Lily provided me an opportunity to step outside of the room by screaming for me, so I silently farted, and came back in ready to go :]

Angela is not only amazing for dealing with my concerns, legit or completely crazy [or both], she's become a dear friend.

 Take One

 Take Two

Take...We've taken too many, but YAY! We got one!

Every night since Norah's birth I've been scheming of ways to get back up here for our next pregnancy [Lord, please give me a little more space between Norah and the next...PLEASE] or at least the birth because I just don't want to do it without her! Thank you SO much for catching both of my babies, Angela, and for blessing our family in such a huge way.


Oh, and here's a little Norah Love...just because.

Happy Monday!
Mae

Norah Jean's Slideshow

Michelle posted my birth slideshow this evening to share with her clients. I thought I'd share with my readers too <3


Birth | Norah Jean from Michelle Monk on Vimeo.


Hope you had a lovely weekend!
Mae

The Birth of Norah Jean: Part Two

Go here to read Part One

It was about 7:30 pm on Tuesday night, and the work was here. All of my warm up labor, and all of the discomfort had paid off, my body was working, just in a way I hadn't expected it to. It wouldn't conform to any of my expectations that night.

My birth pool had water in it from that morning so it had gone cold. We didn't have a sump tank. Everyone looked around at each other for a minute and then someone said "Let's get some buckets!" Eamon went with me to the living room to labor on the birth ball while my diligent team emptied and refilled the tub. I actually had no idea what was going on until I heard Lily CRACKING UP in our bedroom. Apparently all of the ladies were in there with pots and bowls scooping out water little by little and throwing it over our back porch balcony. Lily thought it was hilarious.

When the tub was ready, I asked for some time to have to just Eamon and myself. I loved this. Eamon prayed over my delivery and set my mind at ease that we were going to have this baby tonight. Before we were done he laid his hands on my belly and just talked to our little unborn child. He didn't say a word out loud, but I could feel every bit of emotion that he was emitting to our little one. More than I was ready to meet this baby myself, I was ready for Eamon to meet him/her.

Us laboring together after our time of prayer

The clock continued to tick and I knew Lily would need to go to bed soon. In my head I was so upset. The night before I went to a Mom's Group and wasn't home in time to put Lily to bed. I had been making it a very special time for the two of us the past few months and it was something I looked forward to. I would bathe her, comb her hair, read to her, just made her feel extra special in case I went into labor that night. I was sad that I hadn't got to the night before and was sort of jealous of Eamon. He said "Well maybe you can read her a story before she goes to sleep?" Capital idea, Watson! As Eamon went into her room to get her ready for bed...I started to climb out of the tub. Wait, WHAT?!? Yeah, I wasn't exactly thinking that one through. Just as I started getting out Eamon walked in with Lily "WHAT are you doing?! Sit back down!" Eamon brought her to the side of the pool and through a contraction or two, I read Goodnight Moon to my baby girl one last time as an only child. 

Thank you so much Michelle, this one's hanging up in her room ♥

With Lily asleep in her bed [that's where she stayed all night, a miracle I tell you!] I knew it was time to get serious about having this baby. Contraction after contraction came...but it felt different. I remembered being in the pool with Lily. I remember what my breath felt like in my chest. I remember what the pressure felt like in my womb. I remember the relief the water gave me. Only the last of those memories were becoming familiar. My contractions were not long, they were not close together, but they were painful. The water did make them feel so much better, but there was still something off. Then I felt another change. My contractions were only down really low, and I felt like the urge to push was just around the corner. Everyone thought pushing was just minutes away.

Since I started becoming a bit too uncomfortable, I thought maybe I should try to go use the restroom and come right back out. I was still excited. I still smiled in between all of my contractions, I still cracked a joke here and there, and I still was hopeful that it was only going to be a little longer. The clock read a little before 9 as I made my way to the bathroom...
"Any minute now," I thought "Any minute..."

An hour passed.
I went back and forth from the tub, to the toilet, to the bed.
I squatted. I got on all fours. I sat on my ball.
Another hour passed.
I looked at the clock. I got mad.

What was going on? We knew baby was posterior on and off. I knew that must be what was making this hard, but why were my contractions anywhere from 5-15 minutes apart? Didn't my body know what it was doing? Why was this happening to me?
I was trying to keep a brave face and with Leila holding my right hand and Eamon holding my left, I labored some more on the toilet. Adrenalin took over my body and I couldn't stop shaking. I was mad. Why was the Lord abandoning me now? I needed Him! Where was He?!
"This is too hard!!! I can't do this! I'm going to the hospital, this is not supposed to be this hard for me! Why are you doing this to me and my baby?!?"
The pain was overwhelming. My internal dialog was getting hard to hide. For quite a while, the only two things keeping me from saying, "Screw this, take me to a hospital" were the facts that I didn't want to have any of these contractions in the car and that we didn't have anyone to watch Lily.
On the toilet once more, I reached down because I could not understand what the pressure was I was feeling. I felt...bulgy, but there was no baby. I had my midwife check me.
"Can you even feel the head?" I asked her. She said she definitely could, but that my bag of water was in the way of Baby's head engaging. She pulled her fingers out and then asked "Can you feel this?" as she inserted one finger just to her fingernail. I could, it felt like she was touching me-but not. "That's your bag of water" she said. She told me that there was a lip on my cervix that wasn't melting away and that Baby couldn't engage.
I had asked my midwife to call my chiropractor midwife friend, Cindy, to come and adjust me. When I found out she made it, I made my way down the hall to the living room to get adjusted on the couch. In my head I was still yelling. In my heart I was breaking down, not knowing where to turn to. Cindy adjusted me and I laid there on the couch.
I felt my contractions slow down even more. My heart was sinking so low...I don't know where it really went. Someone started to say something and I just couldn't keep it in anymore.
"What's wrong with my body?! Why isn't it working?!?"
I was broken. My cervix, my thoughts, my heart, they were all working against each other. I looked to my midwife and my doula for some sort of answer. I didn't get one I wanted. Angela told me that they were going to stay in the living room while Eamon and I went to rest in the bedroom. As she was telling me this I searched Eamon's eyes for some answers. I wanted him to tell me what to do, I wanted him to tell me that this was going to be over soon, I wanted him to make this easy for me.
My midwives, doula, photographer, and best friend watched me walk back down the hallway with Eamon's help. I cried the whole way there and broke down between contractions. He whispered in my ear "Whatever questions you have babe, I can't answer those for you. I know you want us to, and I know we might have some good ones, but they aren't our questions to answer." We laid down on our bed, and I began to fight it out with God in between contractions.

I can't really explain what happened, but I came to a point of surrender. I had hit this pit that seemed impossible to crawl out of and I realized I needed God. I couldn't do this, but He could. I called my birth team back in to our room and told them I needed them too. Eamon says at this point in labor I sounded like I was giving a sermon...whatever that means :] But during every single contraction I had to cry out to the Lord with my heart and say "I'm not strong enough, I can't do this, but you CAN! Finish this contraction for me, please Jesus!" and with each wave of contractions I got a little bit of relief. But sadly, there was no progress.
Angela checked me, she was contemplating breaking my water for me since I had tried every single thing we could think of. Ann was supposed to be assisting, but she was in the hospital with her husband that night. Instead, her mentor and partner, Donna Miller, had come in her place. Throughout the labor she had just sat to the side praying, keeping quiet, letting my body work. Angela asked me if it was ok if Donna checked me so she could get a second opinion. During another contraction Donna tried to diagnose the situation. When we asked her what she thought was going on she said
"Well she's a 7-8"
Before she could finished I yelled "NO!!!" I had just surrendered, I had not been laboring for almost seven hours at the same 7 centimeters...
But she reassured me and said "BUT when she has a contraction, she's complete. I just know if we break her water that she can push that Baby's head down."
At my follow up appointment I found out three things. One, even when I was complete, there was still a lip on my cervix. Two, my baby was still posterior before they broke my water. Three, Donna Miller never breaks water.
So confident that my baby wasn't at risk, and neither was I, Angela broke my water while I lay on the edge of my bed, again holding Eamon and Leila's hands. I tried every position I could think of that would bring my baby into my birth canal. At one point I got down on my hands and knees. I couldn't even stay up on my own. I could hear the Lord calling me to continue to surrender to Him. He was going to help me.

I felt like I needed to get back on my bed. Suddenly I found myself in the same position I was in when I birthed Lily. Angela wanted to check me one more time to see if I made any progress. Then a powerhouse contraction hit me. I remembered this! This felt familiar, this felt good! I couldn't control my voice and I let out every breath of air in my body. I heard Angela say "GOOD MAE! Baby's head is coming down!" I couldn't stop! The contraction kept going so I kept pushing! This was right. This was the way I remembered my body working. Everyone started to cheer me on. I heard Eamon say "We're about to meet our baby!" I got my excitement back, I reclaimed my joy. Another contraction hit. "Ok, the head is crowning, Mae!" Angela started to say. I still could not stop! "There's the head! The head is out!" Eamon was sitting up and I could hear the excitement in his voice "I can see it!" Another contraction hit right after that and I could hear everyone tell me to slow down, but I couldn't!

I felt the relieving familiar feeling of a warm, slimy baby slip right out of me.
I heard Angela say "Your baby's out Mae!!!"
The buzz around me was unreal. My body did NOT fail. It remembered exactly how to do this, and it did amazing! In three pushes [less than five minutes] I took my baby from a negative station, to out on my chest.

Angela brought this tiny, squishy being up to my chest, just like she had with Lily. Eamon got to see the face before I did and with ecstatic joy in his heart he said "It looked right at me!" [Lily didn't look at Eamon for weeks, it broke both of our hearts] Angela asked "So is it a boy or girl, Dad?!" Both of us knew as soon as she asked, and Eamon said "It's a girl! Norah!" He laid down close to me as she wiggled around on my chest. I said "We have two girls, babe!" and he said "I have THREE!" 

As she rooted around on my chest, I said "I'm done! Yes! Praise Jesus!" and Angela reminded me "You still owe me a placenta, Mae." I had nothing to else to say but an emphatic "Shit." Everyone laughed, I was embarrassed :]

Finally, she was here. My arms were full. My Lord finished what He started. I wasn't bitter. I wasn't mad. I was full of joy. She was here.

While Norah was waiting for me to get out of the bath, she decided she needed to eat...now.

I couldn't believe that I had done it. I also couldn't believe that Lily [who wakes up at even the mention of any...uh, night time schinanigans...] slept through the whole thing. But right on queue, she woke up just in time for Norah's newborn exam. She looked at me like "OH! Angela finally brought that baby you guys keep talkin about!" This was the first time she got to see and touch her baby sister. I'm so glad she woke up.

Norah Jean Burke

March 31, 2011

2:18 am

 7 pounds 15 oz

22 inches long

 Everyone got a good night's sleep that..well, morning. The birth team left by about four, and Lily was back in her bed. I woke up to see her laying there next to me, remembered what I had just gone through to get her, and thanked God for every second of it. Donna came by later that afternoon to get her purse and said
"I am so proud of you, you are such a strong woman. Not many women can do what you did."
I said "No, I'm not strong, that wasn't me, that was Jesus."
She laughed and said, "Ya, but you have to be willing to let Jesus work through you."
I took her compliment and said "Well maybe THAT'S why it took so long!!!"
We both had a good laugh. I knew what she meant, but it's still really hard for me to say "I did it" after all I went through. He did it.





I love Norah's story. I don't feel like I got jipped. I don't feel like I would have done anything differently. My baby is here and she taught me things that I don't think I would have wanted to learn any other way.

I can't wait for you to get to know her with me :]

Mae

You can go here to view Norah's slideshow.

Still Growing

No Baby yet!

Yup, s/he is still hanging out in there, makin my shirts work overtime.

I'm finally almost done with my birth playlist. [Thanks for the help Karissa!] I've been swaying and swinging back and forth to it trying to keep Lily occupied and me active.

I've got outings planned for the next two days to keep me busy, but after that, Eamon and I would really like to meet this baby. And how fun would it be to have a St. Patrick's Day baby?!? I thought about it, and even if Baby takes as long as Lily did to come, I potentially only have 17 days til I meet this baby :] That makes the wait a little [read very, very tiny] bit more bearable.

I'll be updating less [unless I'm totally driving myself crazy waiting around] while I drink in the last little while of having Lily as my one and only. But I'll definitely be here to give you weekly bump pictures on Thursdays. Hopefully I'll have some newborn pics to share soon ;]

Happy Monday!
Mae

Lend Me Your Ear & I'll Sing You a Song

Not really...I tend to moo during labor.

Actually - Have you ever seen Orgasmic Birth? Well I was pretty mortified when I saw women, well, one woman in particular, have an orgasm while pushing out her baby. I was pretty equally mortified [I really just don't know why...] when I saw this breech video [Careful, there's some boobies...and some lady parts.] of this mom smiling HUGE at the end of each push and showed Eamon. He said "Oh ya, that's pretty much exactly what you did" Oh...weird.




Anyway, I've been thinking about my birth playlist since I saw this video of an amazing home birth a while back.
I. Love. This. Song.


Leo Hart from The Panic Room Videos on Vimeo.


Notice, neither of these moms are screaming about how much they hate their husbands or to "Get this damn things outta me!!!" It can be done ;]

Well anyway, if you read my last post, you know that I'm having trouble finding good songs this time around, so help me out! Aside from harp solos, beach sounds [both of which I actually LOVE during a massage], and praise music, have any good suggestions? I stalk your blogs, I know you people have good taste in music! So help me out!

This is what I have so far, care to contribute?
Mae

Christmas, Christmas time is here...

For the record, The Chipmunks are the worst thing to happen to Christmas...ever

So what did Mae decide to do with her hair...

Oh, you know....






THIS

I'm BEYOND thrilled with it and couldn't be happier. Katie, you're amazing

Here's what happened. In the midst of tryin to convince Eamon [ps, it's pronounced A-MEN...lots of jokes, I know...] that I need to cut my hair I pulled up this picture:

And Eamon blushed... He said "WHO'S that?!?!"
"YOUR WIFE!!!!!"
"....nuh uh... you look so...where'd you get that dress?"

So yes, while I had Eamon fantasizing about me being young[er] and rested, not pregnant, or nursing, or crying about sleep deprivation...I convinced him to let me chop it.

Speaking of my beloved...
Today is his last day of scheduled work till the tenth of January. Mild panic attacks are def setting in, but...we're gonna be ok. We're gonna make it through Christmas and it's gonna be awesome because God always provides...I think...yeah, He does...breath...
BUT on the up side, he does have a few days to look for a job and we'll get to spend some time together, including Christmas. Tomorrow is the birth center's Christmas party which'll be SO fun and I get to see all of my other preggo mama friends [maybe I can convince them to get in a picture together...maybe ;] If you're in the area, you should come! There's a fundraiser for the Mercy House, hopefully they can get plenty of needs met!

Ok, I have to get ready for my chiropractic appointment [that's always scheduled during Lily's naptime...UGH] Hope you all have an AMAZING weekend!
Mae

Nothing to fear but Fear itself.

This was me last week

"And what if all this puking causes me to miscarry?"

"And what if my hips don't hold up like they did last time and I can't push my baby out?"

"What if I'm disappointed that it's a boy/girl?"

"What if Eamon is disappointed that it's a girl?!"

"I'm eating too much Bueno, he/she isn't getting enough nutrition." [beans are the ONLY thing that calms my stomach.]

"Is this just cramping or is this baby coming early?"

"What if Lily kicked me too hard this morning"

And the worst

"I'm not going to get to keep this baby."

This last thought has been in my head since the day I took a pregnancy test. I don't know if it's a lie from Satan, or the Lord trying to prepare my heart. Trust me, I've tried to figure it out.

The month before we got pregnant, June, Eamon and I had sex when I was ovulating. Shortly after I started getting fatigued, nauseated, I felt it. We were pregnant, I was sure of it. I started making plans to tell my family and friends at Lily's birthday party, planning to make her baby wear a onsie with the estimated due date on it. I was so excited-and late. I drove myself crazy with tests. I took eleven to be exact. Yup, ELEVEN tests. They all came back negative. But I "knew" I was pregnant. Well...needless to say, a heavy, hard, painful period came eventually. I went to the bathroom and noticed, and Eamon heard me whimpering from the living room. I could tell he was disappointed too. He tried his best to reassure me that it wasn't a miscarriage, that I was just late, [I never did get a positive test after all] but it didn't stop me from sobbing myself to sleep that night. That was the last time I thought it was miscarriage. After that I put it out of my mind and focused on the future, waiting till we moved to Austin and till Lily was a little bit older. The next month, obviously, we got pregnant when there was absolutely no way we should have. I was supposed to have started my period on our conception date. THis is the SECOND pregnancy that this has happened.

So, once a week for the eleven weeks that I've known about this beautiful baby inside me, I've hear this awful thing in my ear

"This baby isn't yours to keep"

I heard it when I was still nursing Lily, then thinking that it meant that Lily was taking from the baby. Nope, that wasn't it. I heard it again this week when I caught a stomach bug and couldn't stand up without puking. I spent most of the afternoon on my hands and knees crying and puking, crying and praying, crying and arguing with Eamon, crying and wanting my midwife there. I thought all the puking would cause contractions and throw baby into early labor. Nope, we survived. All night the little bean kicked and swam around, reassuring me that we were gonna be ok. I heard it again yesterday when after throwing up I had a cramp/contraction right at the top of my uterus that wouldn't let go. I laid on our living room floor with a heating pad praying the pain would go away, and that my fearful mind would cease it's doubts. Eventually it all stopped.

This morning, something came back into the front of my mind that I'm not sure what to think about. I think it's shameful when women try to make more of a situation to make themselves feel included, or to create more drama for themselves so know that is NOT what I'm doing. But I started thinking:

"What if my body is trying to grieve for the other baby?"

Again, I never got a positive pregnancy test. I never had the time to show, I don't even know if I had time for the little bean to attach. And I in no way WANT to have had a miscarriage, and I in no way can relate to the pain many of my friends have had over their lost children. But still...it makes since to me. What if the possible denial has driven me to doubt my body, my baby, MY GOD during this pregnancy?

After struggling with this I decided to start this week off new.

Last week I was very lucky to surround myself with women who love birth, who love me, and love Jesus. I went to a "Birth Stories" night at the birth center where the midwives got to tell their most amazing birth stories, and I'm not gonna lie, it felt good to hear midwife say that my birth was the best she's seen... I've had a few heart to heart's with women who have shown me support when I didn't know I needed or wanted it, and I've got everything planned out to have a peaceful, safe birth for this child THAT WILL MAKE IT. You'd think with all of my doubts I would start planning for a hospital birth, but it's done nothing but reassure me that I want to be in my own home surrounded by those who love me, who will sing praises with Jesus with me, who will kneel on their knees for hours to watch me and my baby labor, who will lay down their everything to be with us in those few hours.

I wanted to share with you who I plan to have my birth this week, even though I know I've got a long way to go.

Midwife #1 Angela Friesen: She was at Lily's birth and after hanging out with her this week, I'm even more excited to have her here for the next one, to pray patiently over me, and to remind me, You're having a baby...it hurts ;]

Midwife #2 Sarah Jones: The first new addition to our team this time around, I'm really excited for Sarah to be there to assist Angela in whatever she may need.

Doula Leila Farber: We will actually be having dinner with her when we come back from Rockport to make sure she's the perfect fit for us, but I've got a feeling she's gonna be exactly what we...I...need. She'll be there for me when Eamon can't and be there for Eamon when he is exhausted.

Birth Photographer Michelle Monk: I really wanted her at my last birth, but she hadn't done many births at the time and we had already hired Lynsey. She's become and amazing friend and I can't wait for her to share this experience with us as well as capture it.

The Husband Eamon: Without him, I don't think I would be able to do it. How men leave their wives in the hands of ahem..."professionals" at the hospital [or at home!!!] to go watch a game or play on their phone while their wife is going through the most life changing experience they will ever have baffles me. Eamon was my rock.

These are the people I will continue to look to for positivity and encouragement throughout the rest of this pregnancy [as well as a few other close friends] I'm extremely happy to have them and am actually really excited to see this growing into such a beautiful experience.

So here's to a new week! I hope that God shows you how to come out of whatever fear you may be trapped in and that you learn to TRUST even if it's the hardest, most unrealistic thing to do in your life...or so it may seem.

Mae