Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Much Ado About Really Important Stuff

I've got a lot to say recently. About Jesus, about sex, about being a wife.
I'm a person with a big mouth of strong convictions and with that requires confident discernment.

In the past, I've been able to speak my mind (and get my point across...more or less). But I've got words rattling in my brain overflowing from the guttural disturbances in my soul waiting to explode out of my fingers and from my mouth. But quiet I have been sitting. A little bit haunted, a little bit anxious.

You see, being convicted is not an easy thing for me. 
I HAS THINGS TO SAY. But will anyone hear them? 
GOD IS STIRRING STUFF UP IN ME. But will it hurt everyone around me if I share?
I am often seen as young, naive (rabbit trail, I only know how to spell "naive" because of some 90's movie that went off about how bottled water is stupid and "Evian" is "naive" backwards), judgmental, uneducated... I could go on but I'll stop before I get personal.

Let me give you an example.

I don't masturbate. Neither does my husband.

I would be willing to bet (based on personal conversations) that most of you who read this thought the same thing for two reasons.
"Oh, you poor thing."

Because you think I am self deprecating and my sex life must be unfulfilled and boring and that I sleep in pinafores and I've probably never had an orgasm.
Or because you think one of us is lying and that I'm naive enough to believe that lie.

But I can stand before you and yell and sing and fall on my face declaring my fulfillment in the obedience of my conviction. 

But I don't feel qualified. I married young. Only slept with one man, my husband, on our wedding night, I didn't tear and bleed, I wasn't locked in my bathroom crying to my mom because I didn't know what to do. I've only been married five years, my husband has not had an affair with anyone and neither have I. I'm blessed to have a husband who admitted to his pornography consumption- and stopped it. I don't have to constantly forgive an abuser for using me sexually as a child, or myself for using my body to gain love from men in previous relationships. I don't know that hurt. I don't know that grief. Who I am to speak on this?

There is an urging in me like I've never had before- and the doubt to match it. To speak about my convictions- because they aren't mine alone. Most of them on the Christian Sexual Identity, but also less scary stuff that doesn't involve fun words like "fornication."

The conversation I want to start about what the Bible has to say about a lot of the REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF that is viewed as "nothing" I fear will turn out much like some of my conversations with Norah. She is a sweet girl. She doesn't eat any junk food. Fruits, veggies, meat and some rice and legumes. That's it. But sometimes she has a sweet tooth. And she really wants a banana. A banana is a fruit. It doesn't have high fructose corn syrup, red dye #40, and is seen by most as a health food! But is is high in histamines. Norah's body is very sensitive to histamines so allowing her to have a banana is a dangerous game. We never know how many is "too many" or where to draw the line because on any given day that number changes. It won't send her into shock, but it will cause her to break out. And if she does break out too frequently, she will go into shock.
Who wants to be the parent to tell their kids they can't have a banana?! 
I have to be that parent. Maybe I have to be that disciple.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Dear Daughters: Fall

Lady loves,

It seems like time is running on exponentially quicker by the day.
We're now in November, 2013 is almost over. The next few months will be slightly cooler here, dictated only by a series of cool/cold fronts. Winters are much more mild on the coast.
It seems like God isn't moving slowly with our family. He is moving us swiftly through each transition in our lives. Your daddy got injured at work on his birthday and we were left totally vulnerable. God showed off in a big way getting our bills, groceries and rent paid for when we were completely unable to. How wonderful is it that HE IS ABLE when often, we are not. Don't ever forget that He has been your everything since you were in my belly. He always shows up.
Because of this injury, a new job opened up for daddy at a different company. The hours are long for now, leaving me a bit lonely, and you a bit pent up, but it is temporary. We've had to re-examine our priorities to make this time that is challenging, demanding, and sometimes monotonous, filled with just a little more peace and grace.


You are losing the last bit of your baby chub, revealing a young lady that is maturing within you. You are incurably curious, generous, and your budding sense of humor leaves us all rolling. Becoming your school teacher challenges me daily. Watching your eagerness to learn combined with your lack of discipline gives me deeper insight to the Lord's patience with me. You are the best of helpers, when you want to be. You are developing your own taste in what is beautiful and womanly. You bring an innocence and silliness to the groups you play with. I hear you tell your friends about Jesus and my heart explodes with Joy. I am praying for a best friend for you. A loyal, sweet, Jesus claimed girl that will bring you laughter and creative conversations to nurture your growing soul.


My sweet girl. Daily I am reminding myself not to define you by your condition or your attitude. Your reactions are intensifying, leaving my mind to constantly worry about what I can "do" for you. You test my faith and show me how often I doubt the ability of Our Father. You give me the courage to pray deeper, more extravagantly than ever before. You are petite, still have the chubbiest fingers and the most adorable pot belly. Your hair is thinning in some places, but it is getting long enough for me to play with when you sit still long enough. You are a spit-fire. You have sass and humor for days. You are enjoying your new role as big sister and getting to know who Lily and Phoebe are in your world. You are learning fast at your sister's side. You are developing a love for food and cooking. I am praying that you know contentment so deeply that you can show me. I am praying for a diagnosis and cure for your ailment.


I have yet to meet a single human that greets you with anything less than a smile. You spread joy with your chunkalicious rolls and contagious smile. You are my shy girl, you bury your head in my chest with the sweetest smile anytime you meet someone new. You have rounded out our family in such a way that makes us feel a wholeness we didn't know was missing. You exhaust me to no end, but are my breath of fresh air whenever I need it. You are scooting and army crawling around our apartment and are sure to be full on crawling any minute. You have two adorable chompers. You are tiny and I am not wistful for you to grow up in any way.

We have six more months before we have to move out of this apartment. I spend my evenings before I go to bed praying about what that looks like. Moving into another apartment? Finding a home where we can stretch our legs and play in a yard? I know what I want, what I covet, but I am breathing in the Truth that God has something perfect for us. Your daddy and I know this is a time of rebuilding for our family. To bring us to know each other more intimately before He sends us out again. This fall is a time of closeness, and as much as my flesh wants to push you away at times to live selfishly, I will draw your closer to me, to Jesus.

All my love,