Monday, August 20, 2012

"You the teacher, I the stupid"

^This gem was brought to you by my oh so intelligent, accidentally hilarious three year old.

Two weeks ago as I was pulling supplies in for our "class" I said
"Lily, we're starting school next week"
"Yes baby, I'll be your teacher and you'll be my student."
"OooOOOooh, you the teacher, I the stupid!"

I should have just returned everything I bought from Teacher's Tools and Mardell's right then and there, but, I soldiered on ;]

This year we are kind of just seeing how Lily learns. We're using a little bit of Charolette Mason, Montessori (go read this blog!), and a little bit of traditional education (as that's what I went to school for). Have I gone a little bit overboard since she's only three? ....maybe. BUT, I am only giving her what she is ready for!

Every morning she helps me prepare breakfast (including some knife skills, setting the table, serving her & her sister's breakfast). Then she cleans up breakfast and we get ready for the day's lesson.
Eamon and I came up with an easy curriculum plan and have activities planned out for each day. Lesson's are about 20 mins long, then we continue to use the rest of the day to intentionally teach her as we cook and clean.

We recently got a cool front in and it was actually 75 degrees this morning. A whole 30 degrees cooler than some afternoons have been here recently. YIKES.
Here's a peek at what school looks like around here :]

 (just a little proof that I actually put SOMETHING up in my room...)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

A Glass Can Only Spill What it Contains

Right after I was saved, this was my favorite song. I'd listen to it over and over and over again, pretending to understand every word.

A cat came drifting onto my porch from the outside cold
And with eyes closed, drinking warm milk from my bowl
"Nobody hears me! Nobody hears me!
As I crept in so soft
And nobody sees me! Nobody sees me!"
As I watched six steps off

Like peacocks wandering the walkways of the zoo
Who have twice the autonomy the giraffes and the tigers do
"No one can stop me! No one can stop me!
No one clips my claws.
Now everyone watch me! Everyone watch me
scale these outside walls!"

Oh you, pious and profane
Put away your praise and blame
Said, "A glass can only spill what it contains"
To the perpetually plain, the incurably inane
A glass can only spill what it contains

What new mystery is this?
What blessed backwardness?
The Immeasurable One is held and does not resist!
Struck by wicked words and foolish fists of senseless men
The Almighty One does not defend

I was halfway listening to what she thinks she knows
We're like children dressing in our parents' clothes
"Nobody knows me. Nobody knows me.
No one knows my name.
Nobody knows me. Nobody knows me.
No, nobody knows me."

I half-heartedly explained
But gave up peacefully ashamed
A glass can only spill what it contains
We went to Portugal and Spain
And in her mind the entire time it rained
A glass can only spill what it contains

What new mystery is this?
In overflowing emptiness
The Invisible is seen among the shadows and the mist
Before my doubting eyes the Infinite appears in time
The Unquestionable is questioned but makes no reply

What new mystery is this?
What new mystery is this?
What new mystery is this?
What new mystery is this?
What new mystery is this?
"My Rabbi!"
My lips betray with a kiss
What new mystery is this?

A few years later, as revalation has struck, my heart is hurt, I put it on repeat, for old time's sake.

I went to a worship service for women last night, trying to shut my brain up long enough to actually listen to what God had to say.
We took a "heart inventory" as one of our exercises of things that drained our hearts (things that put us in spiritual traps) and things that fill us up.
Things that fill me up are:
A happy husband, newborn baby lips, good food, sex, golden light, that color purple that streaks down green stems on flowers, girly giggles, creative movies, the list goes on.
That one wasn't very hard (and praise Jesus for that, there have been times where it has been!) but then the next list, the list describing what drains us, where are sin lies, where we are apart from God, it was easy to write, but hard to come to terms with:
I'm harsh to overcompensate so I won't be walked all over.
I have to have control over situations- if I don't, who will?!
When I'm not in control, I have anxiety spirals. "If I'm not doing this then this will happen, and then this won't work, and then we'll be late for this, and it will throw off her bedtime, and then I won't get any work done, andthenandthenandthen...."
I'm vain. To a fault. I used to care so, so, so much about how I looked because it wasn't good enough. I wasn't thin enough so I wasn't beautiful. But now, NOW, I'm thin. Now I can fit into those skinny jeans. Now I have people DAILY telling me how jealous they are of the way *I* look, and I'll be damned if I don't. If you see a mirror within 20 ft of you, you bet you'll see me in it. And don't worry, if you don't see that mirror, I'll go find it. Shit, look how much I just elaborated the fact that I consume myself with *me*. Attractive...

and after milling over and over in my head how all of these things are connected- I came to this:
I have to prove my worth.

To who? To you, to your mother, to my neighbor, to my husband, to my mother, to my friends, to my children. TO THE WORLD. and least importantly, to my God.
To prove to you that I know what the hell I'm talking about, I will dish out the bitchiest, most graceless comeback you've ever heard, and cry when you call me out on it.
I will take control over the situation, whatever it is, to prove you can count on me, and that I can do it better than you.
I will make sure I look as attractive as possible when I'm out in public to prove to everyone my youth wasn't wasted on my young motherhood, that I can still satisfy my husband, that I am as cool as my friends, and that I'm most certainly not concerned with appearances...
I have to prove that my "mistake" of a back ally pregnancy that is my physical conception is worth my every breath. That I'm not failing my physical mother, nor that I am exceeding her expectations. I have to prove to the asshole that knocked her up that little half-breed me made something of myself, and dammit, I'm one of the best at what I do.

All of this falls like a rotting 50 pound bag of garbage right in my lap, it's stench absolutely nauseating.

At this point I'm spinning while my brain is rattling off the tiny details, hurts and wrongs of my heart when I hear the woman speaking say

"No one can steal your joy, unless you give it away."

Romans 8:38-39

And I think, "AHA! YES! It is her fault for being too trusting with me, I can't help it if she got hurt."
And then I think "... I guess it's my fault, for giving her my joy"

So then back to praying I go when the speaker then says

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue"
Proverbs 18:21

And it hits me. How much have I killed with my words? All those times I did not encourage, I did not breath life into my friendships with words... All the times my over compensating harshness has overshadowed the Grace that Jesus has given me.

What do you do? Where do you find balance?
And that brought me right back to this song. "A glass can only spill what it contains"

*I* can't do it. Controlling, bitchy, vain, broken me CAN. NOT. do this. When *I* do this, what pours out from me is sour vinegar, not precious sweet wine. What flows from me leaves stains that can be scrubbed away, but penetrate deep. Only the One that can wash those sins away can cover all of these areas of my life.

So tonight, this is my prayer
Oh you, pious and profane
Put away your praise and blame
Said, "A glass can only spill what it contains"
To the perpetually plain, the incurably inane
A glass can only spill what it contains


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

That One Weekend I Felt A Little Bit Famous: Weekend In Pictures: DC Edition

So a few weeks ago, it happened. All the planning all year long, and it actually freakin happened.

I was flown out to DC to photograph "The Great Nurse-In" in Washington, DC, and local nursing mamas.
It was actually a very quick trip since I was so "go go go" the whole time I was there, and I'm still working on the pictures for all of the mamas I got to meet, but I figured I'd take a break and edit a few personal photos.
(Nursing @ 30,000 ft, Puppy enjoying some juice, "bubbles" (or clouds as they are known to the rest of us)

(norah bein a skinny lil' toddler and patiently hanging out while I shot as soon as we got in)

(rad headboard at the hotel, sorbet from room service, N & Puppy crashed)

(ridin on the metro, vegan muffins at an adorable little bakery, sneak of a shot from a mini session)

(gorgeous spread at the Eastern Market where I had my second mini session, I can't wait to share these images-they are some that I have wanted to take my entire career, and it just...happened!)

(made it to the Capitol just in time for the event)

(sweating our booties off after the event, came back to the hotel for some r&r, went to the National Portrait Museum before dinner with our amazing hosts)

"I'm going in, Mama!"


(Me "Norah!!! SAY CHEESE!!" Norah, "NOOOOOO!!"

(desert after dinner)

(Best cupcakes of your life. Vegan, some gluten free, DELICIOUS. We ate all three. Then and there. I am not ashamed. Much.)

(that night we went back to the room, recovered from my diabetic coma, snuggled, watched Phelps dominate the Olympics, and got ready for another day of metro hoppin and picture takin)

(breakfast with Puppy back at Eastern Market. apparently this was "Have a gorgeous, entertaining, international accent day" at the Bakery, I felt super classy, y'all)

(photo bombin' all my mini sessions. no but really. lots of photoshop happening people. lots.)

(more metro, bfast, and airportin.)

All in all, it was a fantastic trip, and I feel *so blessed* to have been able to go.
I'll be back with a link up to all of the pictures from the weekend.

In other news, God definitely is moving and shaking things up in this house. And it's been awesome. We started homechool this week too. WOO. It's never ending in the Burke house, I tell ya ;]