Friday, November 25, 2011

"Life's A Happy Song, When There's Someone By Your Side To Sing Along"

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!!
I hope you have a food hangover from yesterday, I know I do ;]

Yesterday these lovely people

Invited these lovely people

to celebrate Thanksgiving with :]

Erin's little boy, Amos, is smitten with Norah.

We ate some really yummy food,
[not food, but they had the prettiest collection of these adorable Russian nesting dolls. RUSSIAN, how did Jesus know I needed some Russian loving friends?!]

tried to get Lily down for a nap

[that fuh.ailed.]

and spent some time with some really great, loving people.

Afterwards we went to the movies. We've heard about this tradition of going to the movies after Thanksgiving dinner, but never really got it. But last week when Lily found out there's a new Muppet's movie, we new this is something we had to do :]

Lily squealed and giggled and cheered "MUSSSEEETTTTSSS!!!" the minute we got to the movie theater and loved every stinking minute of it. We sat in the upper corner by the stairs so she was free to dance, laugh, cheer, clap, whatever she wanted, without interupting the movie. Watching her face light up at the movies is one of the coolest things. Oh, and she didn't have any extra diapers, but didn't have a single dribble of an accident during the movie! We were proud of her ;]

I can't tell you how much I loved yesterday, it was too awesome. The Muppets just topped it off. I feel like WE were the exact target audience. Like that was mine and Eamon's Muppet movie, you know? There weren't any creep-tastic Tim Currie's, only the most hilarious cameos ever, the humor was classic Muppets, a very cute, sweet story, gah, it was all SO STINKING perfect.

Since we all loved it so much, and my 300th blog post is coming up...

I'm giving away two tickets to go and see The Muppets!

To enter: Leave a comment telling me what you were grateful for this Thanksgiving. For an extra entry, share it on your blog or facebook page and leave me a comment saying you did so.
Give away is open to anyone with a movie theater near them!!
Winner will be chosen Tuesday morning at random.

Good luck to you all! Hope you have a nice relaxing, long weekend!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

One More to Go.

Last night I got really excited and overwhelmed.
I was about to tell one of my friends who was having a day of remembrance that dates are always hard. Then I realized...September 19th had come and gone without me even noticing.

I suddenly got really exciting thinking that the time had finally come, I had been free of cutting longer than I had been trapped by it, but as I sit down to write this, I realize that it's only been four years since my last relapse. I mean, four years, THAT'S GREAT, but I'm not out of the woods yet. I feel like I HAVE. TO. get to five years. I have to show Satan that my life is not his to toy with, that the Lord's hope is more powerful, and runs deeper than any mind games that snake can conjure. Even as I sat to write this and realized that I had made a mistake, that it's only been four, not five years, I felt him. I felt his gloom, his imprint of disappointment that he leaves on me.
While going through the PPD that came around after Norah, I heard his seductive voice in my ear everyday. He loves it when I melt into that weak weeping woman who was in love with pain, but with support, I did not find comfort of any sort in his prickly grasp. I can hear him telling me to be wary of this next year, to fear what destruction he is capable of causing me driving me to relapse, but I recognize his familiar sneaky tone.

My heart gets tangled in knots thinking about the days where I swore I wouldn't be here, that I'd never see my wedding day, a big swollen belly, or my babies smiles. Today I am thankful for the healing that Jesus has provided for me from the life threatening self imposed sickness of depression and self mutilation. And here's to one more year. Eat shit Satan. My wrists will spill no more blood, the strength I have found in the Lord has reinforced them to hold my babies as they sleep, to hold my husband's hand in never ending support and reach out to my brothers and sisters who need His strength too.

Day One: Thankful for the growth of my business and the supernatural provision that God has given me through it.
Day Two: Thankful for fall foods, cinnamon candles, and cold fronts, creating a balanced, inviting home.
Day Three: Thankful for a husband that loves me and his girls in such a way that it makes me want to be a better wife to him and mother to our babies.
Day Four: Today I am thankful for Norah.

Day Five: I am thankful for co-sleepingDay 6: today I am thankful for laughter. My baby girl's giggles, spit takes caused by Eamon, texts that make me "lol", watchin my mama laugh on skype, all of it
Day seven: I am thankful for the desire to have an organized home
Day Eight:Today I am thankful for my best friends from high school living in DFW. Haven't been to a movie together with them in years, and tonight I get to! 
Day Nine: I am grateful for Mama's Girls
Day Ten: I am grateful for house hunting with my family and getting to look for the perfect place to settle down :]

Day Eleven: I'm thankful for my Papa and my father in law. I'm grateful that they were able to come back home from Vietnam and somber that my Papa was the only one from his small town to do so.
Day Eleven: 
Today I am also grateful for friendship. The new friendship of a mama with a sweet and familiar heart, and the old friendships who will always remind me that it's Leo's birthday. Love you friends :]
Day Twelve: 
I am thankful for repeat clients. For their patience to watch me grow and their recomendations that keep my calendar full. Thank you, Jesus for this awesome opportunity!
Day Thirteen: 
 i'm thankful for family. Blood, chosen, God given, all of it. Love my Rockport family and so glad i get to see my Thailand family today!
Day Fourteen: 
I'm thankful for the Lord creating a passion in Eamon for his business. I'm so honored when other knife makers and enthusiasts from around the country seek him out to do their finish sharpening :]
Day Fifteen: 
 since we are *hopefully* finally moving into a house, we're going through all of the furniture we should keep and get rid of. Today I'm thankful that we haven't had to buy any furniture, bedding or appliances the first 3 years of our marriage.
Day Sixteen: I am grateful for God's healing.

We're going to look at a house that sounds absolutely perfect for us Thursday afternoon, if you'd like to pray for us, pray that the home is in line with God's vision of where he wants us and that we will know exactly what to do when we walk through those doors :]

Happy Thursday All!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Mama's Girl. How Awful.

Gonna be a whole lotta whining in this post, with absolutely no need of a pity party, just venting. You've been warned.

" While you were judging me you should have thought 'Is it possible that she has no one else to watch after her children, leaving her as the only one to hold her child except for her husband on occasion by default?' before you said 'Oh...Mama's girl, are we?' with that look on your face. While you're at it, please raise two small children on your own with no help and get back to me before you judge my parenting techniques."

Almost said this to a near to her grave, very well intentioned elderly woman at the store recently.
It's been that pent up in me.

I've been getting that same look for months.Now this old lady didn't deserve it, and thank God I didn't actually say it, but every frikkin time I hear this, accompanied with the held tilt, eyebrow raise, and lip pierce, I have to use up every ounce of energy I posses to remain graceful.

This raising kids on our own is wearing on me y'all. It's getting under my skin.
Every time I hear a friend talk about how she can't wait for her mom/inlaw to come over and cook/clean/alleviate insanity I want to just scream.

Let me vent for just a second.
My mom has never [been able to] come over to clean my house while I take the kids to the park. [though I did have friends help me keep the house clean the week before/after Norah was born, which I am grateful for] She has never [been able to] taken my kids to the park/store/movies so I can sleep.
Eamon and I have been on three dates since Lily was born, all of them over a year ago. Three. Total. I'm not even talking about "grown up dates" or "dress up dates" or whatever it is that most couples whine about missing. I'm talking me and Eamon out of the house together, at the same time, sans children. The last date we went on was in October of last year, and that's because we were in Rockport.
Norah does not take a bottle. Both times I've left her to go work past her bedtime, she's cried non stop for four hours straight.
Eamon has made trips to Rockport by himself, so he technically has had nights away from our girls, not me. Every single night of her life, Lily has been no more than a room away.

So what do I do?
Move back to Rockport is the immediate answer. We've tried. every 3-6 months for the past two years. It's just not in the cards for us. Our family cannot survive in that place.
Make good friends and have them help you out. Well, I'm trying. BUT, when your baby doesn't drink from a bottle, you only have one car which the husband takes to work because he has a never ending bleeding toe, and a house that is apparently so disgusting because I'm so worn out of constantly picking shit up that no one wants to come here and I always have to meet them somewhere, ya. It's not going that great. I guess. I don't know.

When in Austin one of my friends was talking about how worn out she was. About how glad she was to just get a break and recoup to be a better mommy. I bet I sounded like a Grade A Snob when I said "I just can't go there" when she asked if I knew what she meant. I just can't get in that mindset of "HOW FREAKING AWFUL IS THIS RIGHT NOW?! I'm so ready for XYZ so this will be over." There is no grandma coming to pick the kids up. There is no next door neighbor watching the girls for a night. And there most definitely is no end to the "Ahh, Norah/Lily's here" in a sweet voice and then the look of "poor you" on a friend's face. And, you know, I guess there is no time for me to recoup and become a better mommy.

I'm just.
I'm just sick of it. I don't even want it to change at this point. I just want to be done being insecure about it, being defensive about it, BEING SICK OF IT. I'm so freakin grateful for the resevour of patience and contentment that the Lord has given me for over two years, but hot damn. What the heck are you supposed to do when they run dry? I mean come on. My whole family is asleep and I can't settle down because I just need to get this off my chest And I'm dreading the feeling that people will get all sappy and pitiful on me "Oh my god, you're life is so hard, you're a better mom than me, I don't know how you do it, I'd jump off your surprisingly low balcony." I don't need that.
I need..shoot, just to vent. To get an "Amen!" For someone to say "DAMN you look good wearing that small child in that Boba even though you haven't had a full night's rest in God knows how long, haven't ate good food in six months" [not true, but who's life isn't better with dairy and eggs?! WHO'S?!] and I'll give you one more, I need other moms to be more grateful for the help they have! God bless your mom's for wanting to deal with miniature you's again! They already done it once, they don't have to again!

I guess on Day 9, I'm grateful for my Mama's Girls. I mean, there are far worse things they could be, sister wive's for one. I'm grateful for the strength the Lord is pouring through my reluctant body allowing me to just go. To just do it. To pop these kids out, nurse em, love em, literally always be there for em, and I guess on occasion, give them a bath [add that to list of why people don't want to hang out with you AND your children, Mae. Sheesh.] And for the inspiration that said attached Mama's girls give me to write hilariously depressing blog posts about what a frustrating joke my life is. Can be. Yeah, can be.

We now returned to our regularly scheduled broadcast of puppies and pig tails. Thank you for your patience while we deal with routine maintenance.

Happy...Wednesday, yes, the clock says it's now Wednesday, fellow sleep deprived friends. Happy Wednesday.

Friday, November 4, 2011

October Made Me Thankful

So it's been a month since I blogged. A month.
I took last month, which wasn't as busy as September to focus on my family.
I straightend out our finances, made some delicious food, prayed for insight into my husband's and girl's hearts, and welcomed cooler weather [FINALLY!]

Here's a video from Halloween:

I'm participating in the 30 Day Thankfulness Challenge in hopes that it will prepare me for the 365 Gratefulness project that I'd like to do next year. I think I'll post a pic and short blog here to keep me motivated.
Day One: Thankful for the growth of my business and the supernatural provision that God has given me through it.
Day Two: Thankful for fall foods, cinnamon candles, and cold fronts, creating a balanced, inviting home.
Day Three: Thankful for a husband that loves me and his girls in such a way that it makes me want to be a better wife to him and mother to our babies.

which brings us to Day Four: Today I am thankful for Norah.
This past week, while it's gotten chili, my "I never wanna let you go" instincts have kicked into high gear with Norah. Lily is my first, there are so many reasons I am thankful for her and love her in such a deep way, but Norah is...different. I fought for her, I begged and bartered and belted out for Jesus's support and strength to birth her. I've changed my entire life for her, in ways I never had to with Lily. Her sweetness is evident to everyone who meets her. Her smile melts my heart. Her adventurousness rivals that of her sister's. SHE just...ahh...she's my itty bitty.

The past two nights she has slept since her bedtime leaving me time to clean the house and edit til late at night. When I'm done, I've just scooped her up and brought her into bed to nurse and we've cuddled under the warm sheets. I debated on whether or not to share this bc of how intimate it is, but there's so much of this that is us. Sleepy, post nurse, scratched up, adorable little cheeks, eyelashes. I am blessed.

Have a great weekend y'all!