Last night I got really excited and overwhelmed.
I was about to tell one of my friends who was having a day of remembrance that dates are always hard. Then I realized...September 19th had come and gone without me even noticing.
I suddenly got really exciting thinking that the time had finally come, I had been free of cutting longer than I had been trapped by it, but as I sit down to write this, I realize that it's only been four years since my last relapse. I mean, four years, THAT'S GREAT, but I'm not out of the woods yet. I feel like I HAVE. TO. get to five years. I have to show Satan that my life is not his to toy with, that the Lord's hope is more powerful, and runs deeper than any mind games that snake can conjure. Even as I sat to write this and realized that I had made a mistake, that it's only been four, not five years, I felt him. I felt his gloom, his imprint of disappointment that he leaves on me.
While going through the PPD that came around after Norah, I heard his seductive voice in my ear everyday. He loves it when I melt into that weak weeping woman who was in love with pain, but with support, I did not find comfort of any sort in his prickly grasp. I can hear him telling me to be wary of this next year, to fear what destruction he is capable of causing me driving me to relapse, but I recognize his familiar sneaky tone.
My heart gets tangled in knots thinking about the days where I swore I wouldn't be here, that I'd never see my wedding day, a big swollen belly, or my babies smiles. Today I am thankful for the healing that Jesus has provided for me from the life threatening self imposed sickness of depression and self mutilation. And here's to one more year. Eat shit Satan. My wrists will spill no more blood, the strength I have found in the Lord has reinforced them to hold my babies as they sleep, to hold my husband's hand in never ending support and reach out to my brothers and sisters who need His strength too.
Day One: Thankful for the growth of my business and the supernatural provision that God has given me through it.
Day Two: Thankful for fall foods, cinnamon candles, and cold fronts, creating a balanced, inviting home.
Day Three: Thankful for a husband that loves me and his girls in such a way that it makes me want to be a better wife to him and mother to our babies.
Day Four: Today I am thankful for Norah.
Day Five: I am thankful for co-sleepingDay 6: today I am thankful for laughter. My baby girl's giggles, spit takes caused by Eamon, texts that make me "lol", watchin my mama laugh on skype, all of it
Day seven: I am thankful for the desire to have an organized home
Day Eight:Today I am thankful for my best friends from high school living in DFW. Haven't been to a movie together with them in years, and tonight I get to!
Day Nine: I am grateful for Mama's Girls
Day Ten: I am grateful for house hunting with my family and getting to look for the perfect place to settle down :]
Day Eleven: I'm thankful for my Papa and my father in law. I'm grateful that they were able to come back home from Vietnam and somber that my Papa was the only one from his small town to do so.
Day Eleven: Today I am also grateful for friendship. The new friendship of a mama with a sweet and familiar heart, and the old friendships who will always remind me that it's Leo's birthday. Love you friends :]
Day Twelve: I am thankful for repeat clients. For their patience to watch me grow and their recomendations that keep my calendar full. Thank you, Jesus for this awesome opportunity!
Day Thirteen: i'm thankful for family. Blood, chosen, God given, all of it. Love my Rockport family and so glad i get to see my Thailand family today!
Day Fourteen: I'm thankful for the Lord creating a passion in Eamon for his business. I'm so honored when other knife makers and enthusiasts from around the country seek him out to do their finish sharpening :]
Day Fifteen: since we are *hopefully* finally moving into a house, we're going through all of the furniture we should keep and get rid of. Today I'm thankful that we haven't had to buy any furniture, bedding or appliances the first 3 years of our marriage.
Day Sixteen: I am grateful for God's healing.
We're going to look at a house that sounds absolutely perfect for us Thursday afternoon, if you'd like to pray for us, pray that the home is in line with God's vision of where he wants us and that we will know exactly what to do when we walk through those doors :]
Happy Thursday All!