But this, as my valient husband will attest to, is a very true tale.
Thanksgiving, 2008.
My eight week pregnant self and Eamon load up his Honda Accord and start our road trip to surprise my family in Shiner, Texas [oh, we're country y'all]
Our plan was to drive down to Austin, stay the night, and make it just in time for dinner on Thursday.
We got on the road at about 3 o'clock that afternoon hoping we would get to Austin at about 7 or 8 giving the "traffic" we were told exists on this blessed day of overindulgence. Little did we know that 44, 35, and 45 were all using 35...so while we should have been in Waco at 5....we were there at 9:30.
So I, being pregnant, and making sure that I'm hydrated have to pee like a dang race horse! And so did everyone else on I35...
Every gas station outside of Waco was packed for miles. Finally we got to one that wasn't overpopulated. The state of this pit stop is a whole other nightmare of its own. I stood, much more patiently than I should have, in line for the bathroom. I don't know if you testicle bearing kind know this, but the women's restroom sees...I dunno, 4857% more action than the men's restroom. So after watching a Hispanic woman with 5 kids under the age of 6, a mentally handicapped woman pushing her 250 lb son in a wheel chair, a cheerleading team, and half the cast of "Cats" squeeze out of the restroom, I was debating going in at all.
There was a man standing next to me in line for the mens restroom that had come back out...relieved. He was about 35, frumpy, lazy eyed, and perspiring awkardly. He turned to me and said "You know, I was just in the there. There's no one else in there, I can hold the door for you so no one comes in."
I glanced behind me to find my husband staring at the map trying to find a new way to Austin.
"No thanks, I should be the next one in" I said with a smile. Even though I could here the splashing of brown water from beneath the patrons feet, toilet seats slamming, and water splashing places it shouldn't, and his offer was tempting...if there wasn't a certian-creeper- aspect to it.
He said "No, really, I was just in there! Its cool, and its probably a lot cleaner than the girls"
As he said this a man walked out of the mens room...
I looked at him in shock and he looked at me like a young boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar. He didn't say a word, just walked away. That creeped me out more than anything. As two kids with walking pnemonia crawled out of the restroom, I pushed myself in.
I did my business as quickly as possible and madea bee line for Eamon. But when I turned the corner to where he was standing- there was Creeper McCreepface, in all his dingy glory, talking to Eamon.
I casually passed them giving Eamon the "You better get your ass to wherever I'm goin as quick as your feet can take you there without making it obvious that I think the guy your talking to is a serial killer" look [its a very precise expression thats taken years of practice]. He met me by the Fig Newtons.
We exchanged our creepy incounters of the overweight resulting in Eamon finding out his newly prenant wife was almost the special guest star on the next Law & Order SVU, and me finding out that McCreepface wanted to be our front door into Waco because he knew some old country roads we could take. [WHHAAAAA????????]
Eamon and I went to the counter with our purchases- water and Figs Newtons to tide us over til Waco. Eamon told me under his breath that I needed to go straight to the car after our new friend asked us if we wanted to join him up the road for chicken.
I booked it for the car, got in, and saw him on the driver's side, passively blocking Eamon from getting in. I was getting SO scared. I heard Eamon tell him that we were just going to take 77.
When Eamon finally got in the car I exploded with "WHY DID YOU TELL HIM WHERE WE WERE GOING?!?!"
He pointed towards him and said" don't forget that car, remember exactly what it looks like!"
We got on the road with OJ leading [he was driving a Bronco] and as soon as we knew he thought we were following him, we swerved on to the first access ramp onto 35!
Cheering like theives who just got away with their biggest jewel hiest yet, we laughed about who scared we were. Then, from the corner of my eye I saw it...That beet up old Bronco Speeding up an access ramp looking left and right frantically! We were terrified! In and out of traffic we wove, trying to loose him. When we got to waco we booked it off the highway and lost ourselves in a residential neighborhood, then to a Taco Bell parking lot. Eamon said to keep my phone close in case something happened, he wanted there to be a 9-1-1 recording!
We waited in the neon-lit parking lot with baited breath, fearing the last thing we'd see was McCreepface knocking on our windsheild with a chainsaw. [In my crazed fantasy he is also holding a chicken head in his other hand-just seems creepier that way]
We never saw his sweaty self again. But every time we pass through Waco, I am ordered to wake up and look for that dang Bronco.
Happy Halloween everyone!
may I suggest cuddling up with someone squishy?
