That's what I told Eamon when he asked me about Pospartum Depression when I first got pregnant. I thought that this "disease" was contained to the few women in the world who became mothers but didn't want to really be one. I thought they were overacting, that they were playing up being stressed to win some pathetic crowds pitty. And worst of all, I thought they were bad moms.
Today I'm going to open up a discussion for you, my readers. I'm doing this for a few reasons. Healing, awareness, and ministry. If you are looking for any of those things, I urge you to keep reading. If you think like I thought, I urge you to keep reading. If there's a mama in your life, I urge you to keep reading.
My hands are kinda shaky, but God has put this on my heart, so...here I go.
Oh, and Lily is passed out, butt nekkid on my lap/arm as I type...
Before I go in to the past few months I think I need to write a brief, truthful look back on my past.
For the first...gosh, almost two years...of mine and Eamon's relationship I was depressed and suicidal. What teen isn't right? But seriously, I had a problem with self mutilation [cutting primarily] and loved being unloveable. It's a very sad truth, but I found depression attractive, death entoxicating, and heartache hearbreakingly gorgeous. I started cutting for attention in...8th grade I believe, and after that I couldn't stop. When people actually started to notice my cuts, I honestly didn't want them to. At one point I did it 4-5 times a day. And there was no stopping me. Not until I was saved. The night I tried to kill myself I prayed for the first time, I mean really prayed, and woke up the next morning when I shouldn't have. From there it was a drawn out recovery because Satan knows how to make Hell look beautiful, but by the time Eamon and I were married I was healed by the blood of Jesus. His bloodshed literally has forgiven and prohibitted mine.
My one year anniversary of no relapses came a few weeks before I got pregnant. I was really in this for the long haul, and still am!
Early on [we got our positive when I was just over a week pregnant!] Eamon and I discussed all the niddy-griddy details of pregnancy, child birth, and parenting. When postpartum depression came up, I was almost offended. I thought "Just because I was depressed, doesn't mean I'm going to be. How dare you put that on me!" [I'm REAL good at playing the victim :/] With the news reports of Brook Sheilds' depression and how demonized it was by the media still fresh in my mind, it just didn't seem real. It seemed like something for people disconnected with reality. Like a made up disease like restless leg syndrome or something...but whatever it was, I wasn't going to be effected by it.
All through my pregnancy we prayed any sort of depression would be kept out on the streets in the cold and never let in to our warm home.
A few days after Lily was born, I got the Baby Blues, just like all the articles, books, and paperwork said I was going to, but for some reason, it shook me up more than I thought it would, or could! With the help of my good friends Cindy and Michelle, I got through those few days/weeks and all was good. When signs started to show up again about 2 months ago, I ignored them. I thought "No, I'm just in a funk." or "Today...and yesterday...and the day before just sucked...it's gonna be ok..." and worst "No one can know about this." And that my friends is when I should have known that Satan had taken hold of my depression, that it was real, and that I needed help.
This past week when I started snapping at Eamon, wanting nothing to do with Lily [that hurts to type...] and at my wits end...I started doing some research. I came across many resources saying I should take a quiz to see where I was on the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale so I took a sample test. I read if you score over ten, you may be showing some signs of depression, if you score over a 13 you should seek medical attention. With this in mind I reminded myself to be completely honest and not to overexacturate like I often do. I scored a 19.
That day [Friday] was horrible. I cried the majority of the day, I fed Lily a plum which upset her tummy, but I hadn't realized it and she screamed for an hour and a half as I cried and didn't know what to do. I called Katie, who pointed out the obvious, but hidden, suggestion and Lily was all better after giving her some Mylicon. But I was still crying. I called Michelle and talked to her a bit. Talked to Eamon a bit on his lunch break, and decided to talk to Jim Bob, our good friend and chiropractor. After explaining the severity of the situation to him later that evening he gave me some suggestions for supplements so we could try to avoid taking anti depressants, which I am terrified of. He was such a blessing, he brought me some Rhodiola & Gensing and instructed me to stay strict with my tuna and flax seed oil intake.
I have felt better and better every day!
I thought at first that I should just go through this with a few select people that I trusted. Texting and calling a handfull of people to pray for me every chance they had. Having my husband as my source of physical strength, and the renewed hope in the spiritual strength my Savior has and gives me got me through the past few days.
But after seeing some light on the situation, I felt strongly that I should share this with any one that was struggling with this who may need help. THINGS CAN GET BETTER! Help is out there, and it helps so much to talk.
I'm offering an open forrum here on my blog for any one to discuss their personal experience, offer advice, or just ask questions. Any negativity will not be tollerated.
Whew...there it is...
I hope you all have a wonderful day