Doubt

I don't know how to write all of this out honestly and put a happy "I'm such a good Christian" spin on it all. So I won't. This is my heart today. It hurts, it's tired, it's impatient.

I prayed from the night we got pregnant with Phoebe that she wouldn't have allergies.
So far she is allergic to dairy, eggs, and gluten.
I prayed almost as long that she would have a less difficult labor than Norah.
No such luck.
We have now been in Rockport for two months instead of one week without a home. Any glimmer of "opportunity" here being long deminished.

Today (and the last few days) I feel that prayer is useless.

I feel like we have just screwed ourselves over by coming here. Like years of damage control are ahead of us.

I feel like my friends who are far away are sick of hearing my sob story and I wish I had a real friend here.

Every house we've found we haven't been able to get bc we don't have money for a deposit.
And those are few and far between because it's summer in a beach town which means that every vacancy is immediately filled.

Lily needs tons more attention.
Norah's skin is out of control. I wish I had somewhere to just keep her safe.
Phoebe is having trouble nursing and pooping.
Eamon's doing all that he can and more to make us some money.

I read Prov 31 again this morning, bc it usually recharges me, but when I came to verse 25
"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come."
I felt... slapped. The only laughter I have for our situation is that of disbelief.
I have no strength left. I can't say I'm very dignified at this point, either.

I have a horrible attitude for my friends and family asking for prayer.
"Oh...your son got a bug bite... sorry? My kid scratches all day every day of her life. And no. She's not 'used to it' "
"Your baby is having a hard time nursing? Just take him to one of the millions of chiros on your street."
"Had a rough day? Just get one of your dozens of friends to bring you your favorite wine."

What. A. Bitch.
AmIright?!

I don't recognize this person. Crying all of the time, paying little attention to her kids, a peice of crap friend. Hopeless.

I am ready to be done with this part of my life, God. I know You're still there. I know You can do this. Please. Just do this.