Friday, October 1, 2010

Nice to meet you! Your kid smells like crap :]

I know it's been a while but this story has to be shared without a huge "this is what we've been up to" post.

Yesterday was our first visit to our new chiropractor, Chandra Crisp. I was very excited because I've been in a lot of pain that has led to a lot of worry that has led to self doubt. I've got some weird hips that need a lot of attention [that's what SHE said] and I've gone three months without any pain relief.

So yesterday morning I head to the fabric store to get all my materials for Mae Flower's custom orders and to stock up for Christmas materials. I allowed JUST enough time to grab a burrito, get my supplies and be at my appointment in time to get my paperwork filled out. [THEIR receptionist isn't as good as I was, so she didn't send it to me before hand ;] Before I left I saw about 5 diapers sitting in a chair by the door and thought "NAH, there are plenty in the car, I won't be gone that long, I should be fine." Besides, Lily just pooped and wasn't due for another number two till the afternoon. So I left, strapped her in the backseat and went along my merry little way.

We get to the office and start filling out paperwork. Everyone's looking at Lily funny and it's starting to freak me out. "Oh, it's just because she's SOOO smart, people aren't used to seeing a baby as active and intelligible as her." Idiot.
Paperwork is filled out and we are now waiting in a room for our doctor to show up.
I hear a knock, and in comes her smiling face.
"Well hi there! Aren't you a cutie?!" She says to Lily.
She introduces herself and we exchange our children's ages. As she sits down she says.."Hmm, someone's stinky! Do you have a stinky diaper?"

IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW...I have no sense of smell...well, I have a very screwed up sense of smell. Lemons, cigarette smoke and ketchup are all on my radar...and that's about it. Sometimes if Lily has a REALLY disgusting diaper I can smell it, but only when I open it. Also, because of my whacked out nose...I like the smell of baby poop...

I say something like "oh probably" We had pizza the night before so it didn't surprise me if she had gas. We talk just for a minute and then she says "Umm, so do you want to go change her?" must be really bad. I stick my finger in the side of her diaper, as she tells me not to, but it comes out clean. "See," I thought to myself "I know when my kid poops, lady." I look down the BACK of her diaper...there is poop all the way up her back.


I check my diapers.
She takes me to the changing room. I start to panic.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Everywhere shit. What am I going to do?" I start to think. I thought- "Maybe this is one of those fancy doctors offices where they keep diapers in the changing room *just in case* they get an irresponsible mother of a patient like myself."
She shows me around and leaves me to it. No diapers. Anywhere. There were some wipes, 409, and a curtain. I panic again.
"Uh, I'll be right back, I'm just going to run to the car to get a diaper, silly me forgot to put one in my purse!!!" Half laughing, half dying inside, I run/walk to my car.
Eamon just cleaned out the car.


I turned that dang car UPSIDE DOWN looking for a stupid diaper, a cloth diaper, a napkin, a burrito wrapper, SOMETHING to put on my kid's rear and could not find ONE THING.
I walk back into the office completely red in the face and she hands me a diaper and some wipes "I figured you couldn't find one" She said with a smile.

So off to the ill-equipped room I went again. As I'm walking in I look at the diaper. Lily is over 25 pounds. This diaper is like a size 2. Uhhhh...
I finally start to disrobe her [she was wearing a romper so I had to get her completely naked to change her] and notice there is poop EVERYWHERE. On her legs, on her clothes, on her belly. I'm doomed. DOOMED.

About a dozen wipes later, she is cleaned. And naked. Then I look at her clothes. I didn't pack an extra outfit. There wasn't anything in the car. To scrubbing I go. I take these stupid wipes and start scrubbing all the poop off her clothes. I finally start to see some progress but then realize something...WHERE'S LILY?!?!

My adorable, naked, crap smelling daughter was halfway to the waiting room, in the middle of their weight room-AHEM, N-E-K-K-I-D!!!!
I frantically run after her, drag her back in the room, squeeze her into the infant diaper, and maneuver her clothes back on her without smearing anymore poop anywhere.

By this time I just want to shrivel up in a corner with my broken hips and stinky baby and just be done with it all. But she was so sweet and we carried on our appointment anyway. I felt great! Physically, anyway. Inside I was STILL a wreck but thought "Ah, just go see Eamon at work. He should be on his lunch break and you can cry on his shoulder and tell him all about it."

We drive all the way back to TCC and get to the cafeteria. I wave Eamon down and he come says hi. Before I can say a word...
He picks up Lily and says "WHOA!!!! She smells like poop, babe!"

...Right there, in the TCC hallway I LOOOOOOOOOST it. And I didn't regain it till about 6 that evening.

Yesterday I learned that a toddler and a pregnant mother can still prove Forrest right:
"It happens!"
"What, shit?"

Have a wonderful, crap free weekend, friends


Chelsea said...

Every mom has a crap story! This was pretty classic though! Glad everything worked out and you guys survived.

last week we were hanging out with some friends who have a 4 year old and a 3 year old, both boys, and the younger one came running up with his pants all wet (he's fully potty trained, just had an accident!) and the mom didn't have clean clothes so she said, "just go run around a little bit and let it dry!" I thought that was cute. She wasn't nearly as frazzled as I would have been. She's got a few years of mommy wisdom under her belt though!

hope your hip starts feeling better!

Amanda said...

I love you because you are real and REALLY funny! That is awesome and horrifying.

ForHisGlory said...

Poor Mae! This story sounds familiar, like I've been here before myself, but not exactly the same situation....I was so laughing at your diaper search - napkin, burrito wrapper, etc.! The other day, I had a little potty in the car, and Seth says he needs to go poop...while I'm pumping gas...and he needs to go now. So he proceeds to poop in the potty, and it was a little bit loose, so I needed to wipe his bottom. I go on a search - no wipes, napkins, papertowels...but then I remembered an emergency first aid kit in the car, found a gauze pad, and used that! Go figure, no wipes, but gauze pads!

Carrie Brewster said...

A friend of mine reposted this on her twitter, and being a mother of four I had to see what this was all about. Chuckling, no. Hysterical, non-stop laughter, yes!! I don't mean to make light of your "unfortunate" experience, however, this is a real true life story! You are a real true life, normal mom. There are some people who only thinks this kind of stuff happens on tv, well they obviously don't have children. I love this story, it proves to me that I'm not the only mom out there who deals with this. Big kudos to you thoughfor containing your meltdown until later :)

rachel.lyn said...

hahahahahaha......well mae, after a very, long and tiring day i read this last night and was cracking up! thanks for the laughs :)

i'm still waiting on my crap story. i know it's coming. haha