A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was going on a fast.
As we loaded up the car to go to Rockport, I told Eamon we should pray about what things in our lives we should be giving up in order to spend more time with Jesus. I knew immediately that facebook had once again started to cloud up my mind, consuming more of my thoughts than prayers, and carrying weight in my heart that should be Jesus'.
The night before my fast I sat with my bible, journal and a cup of tea meditating on what this fast would look like. I decided to give up sugar for 40 days as well since fasting from food is so biblical [and selfishly because after a year of not eating dairy [of absolutely any kind], eggs, and wheat, giving up sugar for 40 days shouldn't really be a big deal.] As I sat on the porch thinking about all of this, one thing kept popping in my mind "Satan will make this hard for you, but I will be there." I had visions of Eamon and I fighting, of empty wallets, of an ER trip, and of me writing in my journal. It seemed very...small, looking back on it. Like I had an attitude of arrogance that *I* can overcome it, that *I* was going to be strong enough to get through it. To stick through my fast without wavering seemed to be the real goal in my head.
The first day of my fast Eamon and I fought like we never have before. And the second day. And the third day. On the third day, being completely sick of the emotional turmoil in our home, I spent time with Jesus in the morning to bring clarity and favor into mine and Eamon's communication. It was going well, until my genius toddler stuck a bobby pin up her nose and got it stuck. So off to the ER I went. An xray and hour and a half later, the doctors decided a) she swallowed it or b) we're full of crap and it was never up there. So home we went.
By the end of the first week I was very weary. And then financial distress sent me into an extreme bought of worry. All that week and the next we had less than $10 to our name with rent coming just around the corner. Eamon and I hustled and did everything we could to bring in some money, and by God's grace he found enough costumers for the both of us to pay for rent and a week's worth of food in about 4 days. Nothing is too big for him.
*As a side note- When we moved into our new home Eamon and I were making more than enough money to cover the expenses of a home and the bills that go along with it, we wouldn't have moved otherwise. We expected Eamon to get busier as his job was terminated allowing him to work at home, which he has. So it would seem as though we are being irresponsible with our money, but that just isn't the case. What we didn't expect is that my job, which was bringing in twice as much as Eamon on my slowest of month, would come to a screeching halt making me less money per month than I was a year ago when I was half as busy. I only say this because I have been shamed about our financial planning in the past and don't wish to make this post about that.
So week one was spent tearing my family to bits, Week two [and the majority of week three] was spent sulking in the stress of finance. So last night, I was just over it. With my phone being disconnected, and having no way to keep in touch with my friends [and lets face it, if you aren't on facebook, not many people, myself included, go out of their way to see how you are] and still being hungry after dinner, I sent Eamon to the store to get me something to eat for dessert. So there I sat, eating half package of Fig Newman's after binging on facebook, jumping from friend to friend's profile in silent. Catching up on all that I had missed, and not feeling great about it. Eventually I put the cookies down and logged off of facebook and spent the rest of my evening present for my husband.
Not really expecting or wanting anything in particular from this morning's service, I sat through my Care group and had a good time honing my spiritual gift, more so than most weeks, got through the stress of getting Norah to stay in Children's Church, and listened carefully to the sermon. I was hoping that God would interrupt Michael's sermon and give me a word that would be specifically uplifting and encouraging, but didn't get anything.
Our current series is on Worship, so as usual, we end the sermon with a mash up of two worship songs. When the words to "How Great is Our God" came up on the screen I felt conflicted. On one hand I was glad to know the words, on the other it was just that one song that we all know that lost it's meaning a long time ago. So I sang loud as they were playing it in just my key and I didn't have a baby on me to tame. The Lord had my attention. Then they went into "Our God." However you practice your faith, shoot, even if you don't believe, I'm sure you've hear it.
The refrain goes like this:
"Our God(our God) is an awesome God
He reigns(He reigns) from heaven above
With wisdom(with wisdom) pow'r and love
our God is an awesome God"
As soon as the words "He Reigns" came out of my mouth I was overcome with shame and immediate repentance. I couldn't stand on my own knowing how faithless I have been with more Lord. I have acted as if there are limits and boundaries and expectations on where/how/when God can work. I have not given Him credit for sending me to bed each night with a full belly, for clean, growing, healthy children, for a roof over my head that is in every way shape, and form EXACTLY what I prayed for. For loving me deeply in a way that I take for granted daily. I tried my hardest to make the words come out, but Jesus met me where I was and I felt the Holy Spirit with me so intimately, like it hasn't been in a very long time. As I came out of my fog, I was singing "With wisdom, pow'r and love, our God is an awesome God." and though my words may have been indiscernible to the ears around me, they resonated deep within my soul.
While this isn't the most eloquent post I've ever written, I share this with you just because this is my life right now. This is how God, once again, shows me how he will never let me down. I will not cease singing His praises of His sovereignty and divinity over shame and a financial slump. I'm praying you will look past your circumstances to find what Jesus is doing for you.