After the first chorus I began praying "please, please, please don't let it be back"
While I saw the {nonsense} video for the first time today, I heard the words immediately and it stirred something up I've been ignoring for a long time.
Then when we found out I was pregnant, I felt God tell me I was entering a season of peace.
I clung to that promise. Ignored what was going on, latched on to the hope of change that presented itself with growing a new baby. Squelched my instincts. Until I lost them.
I am not the same person I was four months ago, and the longer I ignore it, the longer I fight it, the more dangerous it's become for my marriage, my motherhood, and my sanity.
As much as it irritates and angers me to write this, I am suffering from depression. Again.
It's...different than any other time I've experienced it and earlier this week we began tackling it.
While it's annoying to put out for the whole world to see, "HEY! There's something wrong with me! : D" and to walk into a room full of people who give you that "OH honey :( Come here, gimme a hug, lets talk about everything in the whole wide world so I can feel like a better person for hearing all of your junk" look nearly everywhere I go. I've got to get over it. You need to know I'm not okay, I don't want to talk about it, but I need to, because I can't do this by myself.
Someone {I really didn't like in the first place} told me I was distrusting and shut off from the world. LET ME TELL YOU, I've never unfriended someone faster than I did just then. ME?! Who can talk about all the icky stuff in my past?! Me who can admit to being a liar for most of my life, admit to carving up my arm, admit to being a virgin before getting married but still REALLY pushed the boundaries?! Open and honest me?!
Yep. Me.
And when I secretly tried to open myself up and deepen my relationships, I got hurt.
It's much easier to push people away than let them in to all of *this*. Or realize that not everyone is *okay* with all of this. Rejection hurts, and I avoid it like the plague.
"Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore"
I don't know what Of Monster's and Men's "truth" is, and I don't know where they are finding their refuge to stay afloat. But I do know that at this point in my life where my truth is shaky and my life seems like a raging sea at times, I am still clinging to God's promise to me that I will be entering a season of peace, that He will calm the seas, that He will keep me safe and dry and that I will be on dry land soon.
I am getting professional help, and we're just beginning. I need the body, I need renewed trust, I need strength, and I need safety. If you want to help, pray for or be one of those things for me :] I know my testimony is important for the kingdom (though I often doubt it) and that's why I am sharing this here. I will try and keep you updated, but know that this will not become my place to vent, but hopefully a place of progress, Truth, and occasional cute outfits with an ever growing bump.
All my love,
Mae
1 comment:
Mae, I've walked this path many a time.
It is hard for most of us to glimpse into the darkness of someone else's life, mostly because we try so desperately to pretend like we don't have some seriously screwed up darkness in ourselves. If we see it in someone else, it scares us, because we just don't want to even think we are capable of being that messed up, ourselves. In truth, we are all pretty maimed and scarred - some get off easier than others, and it doesn't seem all that fair to those of us who have had what feels like more than our share of pain. But God is able - He knows just what is going on and what He is doing in your life. See, He loves you and won't let you stay here - He's moving you through this to better, stronger, more real, deeper, and more beautiful Mae. Love you, sister, and praying for you.
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