Sticks & Spit

When I was at the end of my pregnancy with Lily, we were hit with the news that we would have to move. Immediately. As in, on her due date. It was very traumatic for me, and while other people may have seen it, only one man spoke into that. He walked past me one day as I was worrying and came back around to talk to me about the move. Bob was/is a great, kind man who is married to one of my midwives and knows so much about a woman's heart.
He said "I understand, you already built your nest. You don't have time to put together more sticks and spit to get ready for your baby."

That's the first time that I really understood what "nesting" meant.

This being my third time around, I've refined my nesting ways just a tad-it's more streamlined, if you will.
But, as of yesterday, my nest is built.

I woke up to...ahem...progress... yesterday morning and had contractions through lunch time, but after a nap, everything went back to normal. BUT, it got my booty in gear. Sweet Katie came over and helped me clean my house, I aired up the birth pool (which should have been done anyway...oops) got out all of the clean towels and started preparing my heart.

After an uneventful night and morning, I think it's safe to say that yesterday was just the start of the long, ridiculous process that is "Mae having a baby" but I was thrilled that...it's coming. SOON. Soon I will lift a tiny, warm, squishy baby up out of the water and on to my chest and our little family will expand and be complete-again.

The anticipation of whether or not I'll continue on as a "girl mom" or if I "get" my boy (I have mixed feelings on that sort of attitude) is kind of killing me.
Reminding myself that "THIS IS GOING TO HURT" has to happen. Last time I expected smooth sailing and was hit with reality, but the first time I expected the worst pain of my life.... and it wasn't so bad, haha ;] We'll see what this little babe has in store for me. What I do know for sure is that God will be there.

Norah hasn't slept more than 2 hours at a time for over a week now, and it's wearing us out, but we'll survive.

I'm ready for my new babe to be here. To introduce Norah to big-sisterhood. To walk through the miracle of childbirth with my favorite people. To see Lily light up at the addition of new life.

Any day now... Or week ;]

When We Were Young, Oh Oh We Did Enough

I'm 38 Weeks pregnant with my third baby.
I can't even believe that.

My dresser is topped with towels, sterile gloves, a boy and a girl onesie, extra sheets... all the signs that a messy, beautiful event will take place in our home in just a few weeks. I am tired, excited, my body feels like it's at full capacity, my heart is wondering how it will expand yet another time... This limbo of the last month in pregnancy is familiar and can be overwhelming if I let it.

My mind races with things like:
Eamon's dealership is doing poorly this month.
Our car only fits two kids, so the option of going out with all three of them isn't there...yet.
What if this baby has allergies... God, what if this baby has allergies...
Or WORSE, what if it has heart problems like so many babies we know.
I'm barely keeping it together with my girls, can I *really* do this with three?!
Another one of my teeth broke apart last week and I've been in pretty terrible pain since, what if it's like this when I'm in labor?
What if Norah gives Baby whooping cough and s/he's hospitalized, or worse...

And then I remember,
I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE KING.
The most prosperous, merciful, righteous King I have ever known.
And He has done nothing but use me to glorify His kingdom.
My testimony is that He allows me to slip, fall, and dive into places of deep need, need that no one can help me out of, just to prove what a magnificent rescuer He is. From suicide, to painful births soaked in pride and mistrust, to hungry bellies, HE. SHOWS. UP.

So, with "D Day" approaching, I must remind my brain to not be fooled.
Eamon is not my Provider.
Though He never drove one, God can pull in a vehicle to our driveway at any time.
I am not my children's Healer, but they have a marvelous one who will protect them.
He heals the broken hearted. Every day.
This is my calling, my heart bursts with this when I allow it.
I know to surrender all of my pain to Jesus... a tiny crappy tooth is probably nothing compared 10 cm dialited cervix.
HE IS MY BABIES' HEALER. Protector, savior, lord, LIFE GIVER. My worrying heart will not keep them from that.

So here I will walk, or waddle rather, for the next few weeks and stop preventing Him from soaking my heart with Joy. I will trust our bellies will be full, I will trust my body is slowly progressing to bring our baby out safe, whole, and full of light. I will ready myself to encounter my King again. I love being so close to Him and hate that I fight to go on the journey to His embrace.

Meet me, Jesus.
Meet your daughters who cry out in their confused identities.
Meet your sons struggling for honor.

Happy Weekend,
Mae

Norah Jean | Two

My sweet girl turned two at the end of last month.

On one hand, it's been a very long two years.
Two years of scratching.
Two years watching every single thing she comes in contact with.
Two years of puking up the same explanation of what is wrong with her to people who refuse to understand.
Two years of my mothering of her being questioned by strangers and myself.

There were times when she was up past her bedtime, crying and scratching in her crib after she weaned (we made it 18 months!) that I sat wondering if I could actually provide what she needs or if she wouldn't be better off with someone else. My discipline has been completely different than Lily's (or any other baby I know for that matter) because of Norah's condition. I often let my joy as a mother get stolen by judgmental moms, exhaustion, and self obsession (when you drop down to a size four and live in a society that accepts looking at one's self ALL. DAMN. DAY., it's easier to do than you think.)

On the other hand, two years have gone by so fast.
Two years of bonding out of necessity  that I had not known before.
Two years of drawing closer to my Jesus for wisdom and strength.
Two years of preparing a wee babe to walk with a gentle savior.
Two years of watching Grace be poured over someone I love so deeply, I can't begin to elaborate. 

Norah laughs with an intensity that will make you cry with joy.

Because I held her hand down at night to keep her from scratching for the first 14 or so months, so loves to hold hands when she sleeps. She's started doing this with her sister lately and it's the most adorable thing that you've ever seen.

I can't really believe how beautiful she is. She is one of the most gorgeous babies I have ever seen. With her big honey colored eyes and perfect little lips.. I'm in trouble, I just know it ;]

Her sense of humor leaves us in stitches. The other night she was being very kissy kissy with Eamon and he asked her "Are you my little lovebird?" and out of nowhere she got up, and started running around the living room flapping her arms. It would go viral on Youtube. Bet.

She's a deep thinker. She asks lots of questions and loves learning new things. And Lily loves teaching her everything she knows ;]

As the days tick by, drawing closer to my EDD, I savor every second I get of her being my "baby." She loves to lift up my shirt to rub my belly and say "Nuggle me, mama?" and lay next to me while I hold her. While Lily has basically written my birth plan for me, and is excited to welcome our baby and help with the baby, and be the best big sister ever, I worry about Norah from time to time. Whether or not she will allow me to give this baby all the attention I gave her mostly. We keep saying "You will be the only big AND little sister." to make her feel special :]


Lily & Norah both have Pertussis right now (because that's what every nearly due mama wants to deal with) and are snuggled in their bed holding hands, I am grateful for her sweet, soft skin that she's come into the past few weeks. I am grateful for the heart that has been knit so tightly with Lily's and that God honored that for me. I am grateful for the...laborious event that was her birth that set me up to know to trust Jesus with her.

Happy (belated) birthday baby girl. We love you <3 br="">Mama