I'm 38 Weeks pregnant with my third baby.
I can't even believe that.
My dresser is topped with towels, sterile gloves, a boy and a girl onesie, extra sheets... all the signs that a messy, beautiful event will take place in our home in just a few weeks. I am tired, excited, my body feels like it's at full capacity, my heart is wondering how it will expand yet another time... This limbo of the last month in pregnancy is familiar and can be overwhelming if I let it.
My mind races with things like:
Eamon's dealership is doing poorly this month.
Our car only fits two kids, so the option of going out with all three of them isn't there...yet.
What if this baby has allergies... God, what if this baby has allergies...
Or WORSE, what if it has heart problems like so many babies we know.
I'm barely keeping it together with my girls, can I *really* do this with three?!
Another one of my teeth broke apart last week and I've been in pretty terrible pain since, what if it's like this when I'm in labor?
What if Norah gives Baby whooping cough and s/he's hospitalized, or worse...
And then I remember,
I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE KING.
The most prosperous, merciful, righteous King I have ever known.
And He has done nothing but use me to glorify His kingdom.
My testimony is that He allows me to slip, fall, and dive into places of deep need, need that no one can help me out of, just to prove what a magnificent rescuer He is. From suicide, to painful births soaked in pride and mistrust, to hungry bellies, HE. SHOWS. UP.
So, with "D Day" approaching, I must remind my brain to not be fooled.
Eamon is not my Provider.
Though He never drove one, God can pull in a vehicle to our driveway at any time.
I am not my children's Healer, but they have a marvelous one who will protect them.
He heals the broken hearted. Every day.
This is my calling, my heart bursts with this when I allow it.
I know to surrender all of my pain to Jesus... a tiny crappy tooth is probably nothing compared 10 cm dialited cervix.
HE IS MY BABIES' HEALER. Protector, savior, lord, LIFE GIVER. My worrying heart will not keep them from that.
So here I will walk, or waddle rather, for the next few weeks and stop preventing Him from soaking my heart with Joy. I will trust our bellies will be full, I will trust my body is slowly progressing to bring our baby out safe, whole, and full of light. I will ready myself to encounter my King again. I love being so close to Him and hate that I fight to go on the journey to His embrace.
Meet me, Jesus.
Meet your daughters who cry out in their confused identities.
Meet your sons struggling for honor.