Monday, August 23, 2010

5 Reasons I Can't Be a Model But Still Want To.

Since I was a little girl I can remember standing on my dresser [Ala, Vanessa from Little Mermaid] posing, pretending to be a famous model. Why? I have no idea. I was an awkward, short, hairy, halfbreed [and still am] And over the years I got the memo that most girls get stating that "my kind" need not apply for such beautifully shallow careers. When I realized I would never be skinny, it made it that much easier to just take this memo and pass it on to others.

So this morning when my yoga teacher said she could see me "becoming the face" of her prenatal yoga class, I blushed a little. It was seriously the most flattering thing anyone's ever said to me outside of my bedroom. Am I being a little crazy, uh, yes. Do I have an overactive imagination? Most days. But man, oh man, did this get me thinking. How cool would it be to be a pregnant model? I could be one of those bellies for the "before" on a stretch mark ad, or a model for American Apparel with all of their tattooed models that look like they probably smell bad...IT COULD TOTALLY WORK. But the more I thought about it, the more likely I am to be pictured in the downward dog position with my ginormous boobs blocking my face by a friend for her yoga company...sigh.

Want proof?
5 Reasons I Can't Be a Model But Still Want To
5. I have no racial identity. People look at me..."is she white? Is she meskin? Is she Thai? What the eff is she? I don't want to buy these shoes..."
4. I hate being naked...or "having the illusion" of being naked. [In front of people anyway...] I hate that being a model means you have to be naked or simulate nudity. It's gross. I don't want to see your bony ass, or boobs that look like they couldn't sustain a baby mouse, or your rib cage that resembles a twelve year old. And I SURE AS HECK don't want to see you dry humping someone else..male or female. And if I don't want to see you do it, chances are I'm not going to want to do it.
3. I'm a whale...OF A GOOD TIME!!! ...Ha? No but seriously, I have no motivation to be skinny enough to be a fashion model. And "Plus size modeling"...ya, that's a whole nuther bowl of cheerios...
2. I don't know how to SMEYES, or "smile with my eyes" as Miss Tyra says. BTW, Ty-duh, "Smile With My Eyes" In no way shortens to "SMEYES" I guess when you're a millionaire you can make up words like that and no one will question you.
1. I hate everything about materialism. Expensive lighting equipment, ugly clothes that could pay off my college loans, endangered species being worn as hats and thongs, and million dollar bras all make me vomit. [But I love everything about hair and makeup...who's production costs could probably cure AIDS, but whatever...] looks like I will never be a model. I guess I will just stick to cleaning house with a baby on my boob and one growing in my womb for the rest of my life...
Have a good Monday ;]


Eamon got the job :] More details soon!


rachel.lyn said...

well i happen to think you have a beautiful look :)

and congrats on your hubby's new job!

Alex Wall said...

Hiiii, Mae. Been following your blog for a while (saw a link from a facebook update, but realized we're somehow not friends anymore) and just wanted you to know I love reading. You're so funny and wise without being too serious. Which I think is a perfect balance for any mom. I like reading your thought processes and just your growth (hope that's not weird, but take it as a compliment)

Went to Dr. Jim Bob the other day and thought of you while I was waiting in the office for my appointment. Wish you still worked there so I could see your beautiful self!

-Alex (hope you even remember who I am)

Mae Burke said...

OH ALEX! How nice to hear from you! Want me to be honest? I thought... I'm not one of her cool college friends...I'll just delete myself. TRUE STORY.

If you ever have a chance to let me take pretty pictures of your gorgeous self, I'm living in NRH at the time ;]
AAAAAND I still want to get you to do a painting for my apartment.

Alex Wall said...

Oh, mrs. mae, don't be silly. But I understand having to filter out your facebook friends sometimes, I've done it.

I would love to let you take pictures. NRH isn't far from me at all...I've been going to Fort Worth a lot lately anyway. Tell me an evening or weekend and we'll figure something out!

Before I commit to a painting I have to finish painting the ones I told other people I'd do! haha, I have a bad habit of that. But I've been painting a lot lately.

Talk soon, dahling.