Irrational Fear

Meet Barkley.

The center of many a joke on one particularly hilarious episode of Modern Family.

Eamon and I were watching this episode a few days ago while Lily was in the room.
She turned around. Saw him. Screamed "BAD DOG!!!!" and ran to me shaking.
Eamon and I were so confused and I wanted to laugh and make light of it, but Lily was TERRIFIED. Our dang computer wouldn't even pause the stupid DVD and it just kept showing him. She kept screaming and shaking and saying "NO NO!!!" but the stupid thing would just NOT pause.
We finally got it to stop and Lily was in hysterics.
For the past few days it's been a battle to get her to go into any room that doesn't have a light on without her saying "What about the bad dog?" Every naptime and night-night kiss ends with Lily pointing to the opposite corner of who room pouting "But..the bad dog!"



When I was younger I used to see things in the dark.
It would paralyze me. I was haunted by heavy, heavy stuff and sometimes just thinking about it would get me so worked up I couldn't even bring myself to open my eyes. This happened until I was about 17.
In light of Lily's new paranoya, I've been faced with some of my own irrational fears. The things that rattle around in my empty little head when the lights aren't on that run rampant.

I'm afraid of being raped when I go check the mail at night.
I'm afraid Lily has Asperger's Syndrome. and I'm not going to be able to deal with it.
I'm afraid that the deflated air-bag that now sits between my hips will drive away my husband.
I'm afraid my mom will resent me the rest of my life because I won't move closer.
I'm afraid people will remember me as a liar [I used to lie A. LOT.]
I'm afraid that something will happen to me and I won't be able to feed Norah and she'll have to be formula fed [call me judgmental and a jerk, whatever, I think that's one of the worst things you can do for your babies. There is little on this Earth that could make me give her formula when I have boobs.]
I'm afraid that when I'm on an overpass that it will crumble beneath me.

In general, I guess I'm just a fearful person. That's so lame.
But today I've reminded myself to just take every thought captive and keep going. To see through and know there isn't a 6 ft tall dog standing in the corner ;]




In other news.
Yesterday sucked balls. Giant, hairy, walrus balls.
My twitter feed read like a doomsday calendar.
In short, I started hating all of my recent photography, our food stamps have been delayed til the 12th, which means we have to stop the cleanse, realized I hadn't been taking my PPD supplements since I started the cleanse [moron] Lily crapped her pants in Central Market, had to clean her butt off with toilet water and thin toilet paper [all you moms who still change your 18 month+ kids crap diapers, my hat's off to you. That shit is disgusting. Straight up.] with Norah strapped to me in the Moby, got back to the cart and she pooped again [I think it was the cleanse], got home, put her in the bath, she pooped in the tub and FUH-REAKED out, I had a meltdown with Eamon, went to bed, woke up with pink eye. So ya. it was awful. I've been dropping colloidal silver in my eye all day and it seems to be gone, PRAISE THE LORD.

Here are some pics of our little outing pre poopaplooza
She thinks she's so big and doesn't have to use a straw but when she gets tired...

And my poor husband does NOT know how to use my camera, BUT, Lily makes this face every time he gets it out.

Too funny.

Hope you all have a happy weekend!
Mae