Friday, June 3, 2011

Irrational Fear

Meet Barkley.

The center of many a joke on one particularly hilarious episode of Modern Family.

Eamon and I were watching this episode a few days ago while Lily was in the room.
She turned around. Saw him. Screamed "BAD DOG!!!!" and ran to me shaking.
Eamon and I were so confused and I wanted to laugh and make light of it, but Lily was TERRIFIED. Our dang computer wouldn't even pause the stupid DVD and it just kept showing him. She kept screaming and shaking and saying "NO NO!!!" but the stupid thing would just NOT pause.
We finally got it to stop and Lily was in hysterics.
For the past few days it's been a battle to get her to go into any room that doesn't have a light on without her saying "What about the bad dog?" Every naptime and night-night kiss ends with Lily pointing to the opposite corner of who room pouting "But..the bad dog!"

When I was younger I used to see things in the dark.
It would paralyze me. I was haunted by heavy, heavy stuff and sometimes just thinking about it would get me so worked up I couldn't even bring myself to open my eyes. This happened until I was about 17.
In light of Lily's new paranoya, I've been faced with some of my own irrational fears. The things that rattle around in my empty little head when the lights aren't on that run rampant.

I'm afraid of being raped when I go check the mail at night.
I'm afraid Lily has Asperger's Syndrome. and I'm not going to be able to deal with it.
I'm afraid that the deflated air-bag that now sits between my hips will drive away my husband.
I'm afraid my mom will resent me the rest of my life because I won't move closer.
I'm afraid people will remember me as a liar [I used to lie A. LOT.]
I'm afraid that something will happen to me and I won't be able to feed Norah and she'll have to be formula fed [call me judgmental and a jerk, whatever, I think that's one of the worst things you can do for your babies. There is little on this Earth that could make me give her formula when I have boobs.]
I'm afraid that when I'm on an overpass that it will crumble beneath me.

In general, I guess I'm just a fearful person. That's so lame.
But today I've reminded myself to just take every thought captive and keep going. To see through and know there isn't a 6 ft tall dog standing in the corner ;]

In other news.
Yesterday sucked balls. Giant, hairy, walrus balls.
My twitter feed read like a doomsday calendar.
In short, I started hating all of my recent photography, our food stamps have been delayed til the 12th, which means we have to stop the cleanse, realized I hadn't been taking my PPD supplements since I started the cleanse [moron] Lily crapped her pants in Central Market, had to clean her butt off with toilet water and thin toilet paper [all you moms who still change your 18 month+ kids crap diapers, my hat's off to you. That shit is disgusting. Straight up.] with Norah strapped to me in the Moby, got back to the cart and she pooped again [I think it was the cleanse], got home, put her in the bath, she pooped in the tub and FUH-REAKED out, I had a meltdown with Eamon, went to bed, woke up with pink eye. So ya. it was awful. I've been dropping colloidal silver in my eye all day and it seems to be gone, PRAISE THE LORD.

Here are some pics of our little outing pre poopaplooza
She thinks she's so big and doesn't have to use a straw but when she gets tired...

And my poor husband does NOT know how to use my camera, BUT, Lily makes this face every time he gets it out.

Too funny.

Hope you all have a happy weekend!


Sarah R said...

Awww, I'm sorry you had such a rotten day. And you know what, I definitely live a fearful life too. I've been in three car accidents and I am convinced that I am eventually going to die in one. So I pretty much freak out every time I have to go somewhere. And I live in an area where there is no public transit so either I drive, or we go hungry.
What makes you think Lily has aspergers? My son is on the spectrum. In her pictures, she has great eye contact and she seems to be communicating based on what you write. You have two lovely little girls...enjoy!
Praise be to Jesus for calming our fearful hearts!

Chelsea said...

That does sound like a day that sucked royal hairy balls! I'm so sorry my dear! I was sure praying for you that day.

I too fear that this baby will come early, wont be developed enough to nurse and i'll be stuck having to use formula. Dustin and I talked about it yesterday and he said, even if the baby comes early, formula doesn't exist, if he/she doesn't learn how to eat, he doesn't survive! Plain and simple! You will nurse that baby! ;) And god knows the desires of my heart. He is faithful.

I would worry more about memories not being captured than worry about if your hubby doesn't know how to use the camera. Don't be so hard on yourself. You do beautiful work!

Love you!

rachel.lyn said...

ugh...i hate days like that. i have them myself only i never blog about them! haha...

anyway, i have fears too...for instance, i feel claustrophobic in parking garages because i am afraid they will collapse. i hate being stuck in traffic in the middle of the bridges around here (so scared they will collapse from the weight of the cars and i'll drown in the ocean! AH!), i hate flying, i fear being kidnapped in a parking lot when i'm putting groceries in my trunk and the last thing people will see of me is on a store camera...oh my gosh, the list goes on. bottom line is those thoughts are most certainly not from God. take them captive and pray them away!!!! i have to do it on a daily basis.


"For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"

-Hebrews 13:5,6-