Don't be still, my heart.

In an attempt for full disclosure about my pregnancy - I've been lying low lately bc I've been worried out of my mind at times this past week or so.

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Last Friday when Angela came over to check on Baby for our prenatal, I got spooked. We were listening for the heart, and it didn't sound...right. It was skippy and jumpy, not the usual locomotive chugging that it usually is. I tried to just think positively, but both Angie's silence [trying to get a good listen] and my total body shut down mode made my room a really tense place to be. I tried to be ok with it, knowing that our little bean still hasn't got it down yet, but all I could think of was Eamon's family's heart conditions- and I let fear creep in. Angela told me that we could decide to wait till my next appointment to check and see if it was still irregular, or we could schedule a sono just to make sure.
We have only had one sono this pregnancy [we did with Lily too] because I just don't think it's necessary to play picture pages with your baby every few weeks to "bond" with it when there are a lot of studies out there showing it's potentially harmful. 
BUT we do have sonos for a reason- to make sure our babies are healthy. So when given the option, Eamon and I came to this: We'll wait a few days and if Baby's heart is still irregular, we'll get a sono.

Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon were PAINFULLY long. Periods of absolute trust were wonderful, my maternity pictures were a nice distraction, Saturday and Sunday were spent sobbing and rejoicing, constantly giving thanks for my Baby regardless of what the outcome may be. Monday I got Lily and me in bikinis and gave Rusty a bath, vacuumed, prayed, did everything I could to just distract myself or focus on the life that is inside my belly.

Angela made her way over during Lily's nap.
I reclined on my couch, praying as hard as I could that our little baby had a strong, healthy, regular heartbeat. I held my breath as the doppler honed in, and as soon as Angela said "Well that sounds good to me!" and I exhaled...the heartbeat got skippy again. I lost it. She tried reassuring me over and over that if it was a defect that it would be inconsistent from the beginning. And from what I hear, many of my friends have had skippy heartbeats every now and then too. But with Eamon's arrhythmia, his sister's enlarged heart, and his nephew who was born with a hole in his heart, I don't think either of us are ready to take a chance. Tomorrow afternoon we'll get to take a peek at our little baby. He/she will be fully formed. It's really weird to me that we are going to be able to sneak a peek at this little one before they get here! I'm so excited...and also really nervous. I trust that if Baby does have something wrong with it's heart, or anything else, that the Lord would be giving me peace, not fear, so I know this worry isn't from Him...but man is it easy to let the fear creep in.

I'll keep you updated [maybe even with some pictures of the little one!] as soon as we know how he/she is doing. Pray that he/she is formed perfectly, and if not that we have the grace and knowledge to know where to go from there. Also, pray the little one keeps it's legs closed! We're still hoping to be surprised.

Hope you're all not snowed in like we are!

Mae