When I had Lily, I was just out of a very social job, hadn't been out of school that long, and still functioned like a normal human being.
A few months in [after being at home by myself for endless hours] I noticed I started losing my cool a little bit. I took Lily to a going away party for some friends one evening. The location took me over an hour to get to [hate living in the Metroplex], Lily was a hot mess by the time we got there. I was the only one there with a baby. There was another pregnant mom there, but that's about it. I sat off to the side for the most part [how do you tell the host of the party you're at to stop with the chain smoking? You'd think the pregnant lady and baby would slow 'em down, right?] Every now and then whoever wasn't afraid of a nursing mom [who had a cover on] would come and ask me how I was doing.
It was hot, [plus nursing increases your body temp to a comfy 115 at all times] Lily was getting sick of being shoved under the hooter hider, mosquitoes were gigantic and thought it appropriate to suck on my boobs as well, and I was getting sick of the second hand smoke. So like the loving, awesome mother/friend I am, I used my daughter. She was crying so I took her to the car to change her diaper. While I was there I decided "Screw it. I've gotta go." But what could I do? Lily was already conched out in her carseat, and the party was down a little trail. So I just left.
That's when it all started.
After a year of "Sorry! We can't make it, thanks for inviting us though!" Our friends were sure we hated them. But the truth is, when you don't have any family nearby, and all of your friends [read: sitters] get together, you can't do anything after baby decides it's time to go to sleep! So I counted my losses and moved on. "They'll understand when THEY have babies," I thought to myself. But then I realized...eh, no they won't. The whole "no family nearby thing" kinda puts a damper on situations.
But then I noticed that the weirdo in me was coming out more and more. While grocery shopping I saw one of the patients that used to come into the office I worked at. I knew her name, her baby's name, hell, I even remembered what day of the week she came on and her phone number, but I could not for the life of me figure out how to carry on a conversation with her.
She said "OHMYGOODNESS! Is this your baby?!"
"...Yep"
"Oh, well how old is she now? I didn't get to see her when she was born."
"She just turned a year old."
"THAT'S AWESOME!"
"Yeah...." trying to smile genuinely
"So...how have things been going? I see you didn't come back to work" She looked a little disappointed [and rightly so, right? I was an awesome receptionist ;] I kid!!!]
"Ya, I just sit at home now. And I'm pregnant again." pretty sure I sounded like Ben Stein at this point.
"Aw! Congratulations!"
"Thanks..."
Her adorable little girl was staring at me from the grocery cart, just a few months older than Lily, but smaller. Her and her mom were wearing matching headbands, didn't have a blemish on them, both wearing white, CLEAN shirts. I'm in sweats and Lily's in a dress, no shoes, hair in knots, half covered in hummus. She started to push her cart away.
"...uh, your daughter's really cute"
"Thank you!" she said with that sideways head tilt thing like "Ok, we gotta go now, you're a mess"
I stood there, amongst the bulk bins of rice thinking "Did that REALLY just happen? I can't communicate with the outside world anymore, can I?" So over the next few months I began to just accept that I am no longer one of the most popular girls on campus, that I can't just strike up a conversation with strangers on the street, let alone a good friend, or be seen in public with any sort of clean clothing.
Now I'm about seven months pregnant with #2 and we're going out to eat at a place we go to...maybe, twice a month? A waitress [who sees us every freakin time we're in there] sees my on my way to the restroom and says
"Oh! You're expecting another one?!"
Poor lady hardly had time to laugh before I shot her a look and said
"Obviously!?"
without missing a step.
"What the heck is wrong with me?!" I thought to myself as I sat on the toilet. Something has GOT to change!
The nail in the coffin came last week. My husband has a Non Verbal Learning Disability [It's the umbrella that covers a lot of disorders all the way down through Autism] so when he notices things, I know they are pretty obvious. Last week we were at an appointment and my doctor wrapped what I had just said up in a nutshell. I didn't quite understand how he got what he said out of what I said but moved on. Later that night I asked Eamon if he noticed anything different about me since becoming a mother. We started talking about how socially awkward I am and he said
"Well, like today, you looked at Dr. H like 'No D-bag, that's not what I meant' I mean, I'm sure he didn't notice, but you used to be able to hide that sort of thing."
I actually got embarrassed sitting on my own couch. That's not what I was thinking! That's just crazy, did I really do that?!?
What's gonna happen to me when #2 comes along? Am I just going to have to wear a sign that says "Don't talk to me, I will disappoint you" everywhere I go? Will my children be embarrassed to go out in public with me? Or worse yet, will they be the kids on the playground who say "Ya, I'm playing right now, can you go away?" I fear the worst. ;]
Hope you've had a great week, everyone!
Mae
Oh, and here's how said number two is cookin ;]
2 comments:
Bahahaha! I have a tendency to say inappropriate things any time I've had caffeine. As you might imagine sleep deprivation often leads to caffeine, which then leads to inappropriate statements, which leads to me staying home with a zipper on my mouth ; - )
omg this post is like my life exactly, don't worry your not going crazy. Happens to the best of us :) I love your little updates and messages to the baby. I'm 33 weeks now and on my 3rd!
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