5, 4, 3, 2, What are you waiting for!?

Another New Year's Eve is here. And while last NYE I did set out some specific craft goals, I resolved to not make any "resolutions". However, there were some things that I'd say I'd work on throughout the year. So before we take a dive into next year, here's what I can confidently say I did this year:

• Read the Bible more
• Made a quilt
• Prayed a LOT more
• Potty trained Lily [during the day]
• Lost 20 pounds [...you know, before I got pregnant]
• Made a baby

The things I want to do this year are quite simple, but not necessarily easy.

• Make sure my friends know how much I appreciate them
• Start Pre-School material with Lily after Baby comes
• Keep up with my Home Planning folder better
• Potty train Lily at night.
• Get down to 155 lbs by the end of the year [I CAN DO IT!]
• Do this devotional with Eamon. [I'm reading a Sacred Marriage right now, SO good!]
• Find a church where I can feel Jesus again.
• And of course, meet this little person ;]

Be safe tonight, everyone!
I look forward to sharing 2011 with you all!

Mae

Merry Christmas!!!

The past week has been magical, full of baking and stewing, and canning. Sewing Lily's Christmas present, rejoicing in our Savior.

Today will be full of baking cookies, and making sure we have everything we need before all of the stores are closed :] And teaching Lily that flour + water does not = tasty snack...just glue ;]

I just wanted to take a minute to say Merry Christmas to my fellow bloggers. Please, enjoy this beautiful season with your family and give thanks for the birth of Our King!!!

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace (Isa. 9:6).




Merry Christmas!!!
Mae

Christmas, Christmas time is here...

For the record, The Chipmunks are the worst thing to happen to Christmas...ever

So what did Mae decide to do with her hair...

Oh, you know....






THIS

I'm BEYOND thrilled with it and couldn't be happier. Katie, you're amazing

Here's what happened. In the midst of tryin to convince Eamon [ps, it's pronounced A-MEN...lots of jokes, I know...] that I need to cut my hair I pulled up this picture:

And Eamon blushed... He said "WHO'S that?!?!"
"YOUR WIFE!!!!!"
"....nuh uh... you look so...where'd you get that dress?"

So yes, while I had Eamon fantasizing about me being young[er] and rested, not pregnant, or nursing, or crying about sleep deprivation...I convinced him to let me chop it.

Speaking of my beloved...
Today is his last day of scheduled work till the tenth of January. Mild panic attacks are def setting in, but...we're gonna be ok. We're gonna make it through Christmas and it's gonna be awesome because God always provides...I think...yeah, He does...breath...
BUT on the up side, he does have a few days to look for a job and we'll get to spend some time together, including Christmas. Tomorrow is the birth center's Christmas party which'll be SO fun and I get to see all of my other preggo mama friends [maybe I can convince them to get in a picture together...maybe ;] If you're in the area, you should come! There's a fundraiser for the Mercy House, hopefully they can get plenty of needs met!

Ok, I have to get ready for my chiropractic appointment [that's always scheduled during Lily's naptime...UGH] Hope you all have an AMAZING weekend!
Mae

Ok, but seriously...

My hair...
What on Earth am I supposed to do with this?
After writing that, I talked to Eamon. And though he practically vowed never to make any more children with me [whatever, he'll break] if I cut it...I still want to. It's just not me! And he reminded me that I may or may not have swore on Lily's soul [I exaggerate sometimes...] that I wouldn't cut it till the baby was born...BUT COME ON...I've been growing it out for OVER A YEAR...that's a long time for me people...

It doesn't help that I watched The Fountain last night where Rachel Weisz is super hot and dying with her short hair...

Could not find an actual picture of her with her short hair...starting to wonder if she ACTUALLY cut it...poser.

Or that I was all over moms are for everyone! starring at Emery Jo's cute hair...

We have the same Guess Date [well, I think mine is like...two days before hers] Here she is rockin it at 21 weeks...skinny.

OR that I was skyping with my mom and realize we're starting to look more and more alike. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I love my mama....we've just got very different things goin on...very. different. things.

Y'all... I don't even know how this happens...


BUT THEN while looking for a pic of Rachel Weisz from The Fountain, I run across this...

and I'm like...ya...no, I could do that...sexay.

AND THEN I think, Well shoot, why DON'T I just take after my mom, keep growing it out and just pray I can get her awesome 90's bangs???

I will also be needing some serious shoulder pads...

PS, TAKE THAT EAMON!!! My baby DOES look like me! This picture was taken at exactly this time about 20 yrs ago. I was just a few days older than Lily is now :] So THERE...Lily doesn't look JUST like your family ;]

I go on Thursday to get it cut...

TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

Short and sassy...

Or just keep lettin it grow and do somethin like this or this

TELL ME!!!!
Mae

A Letter To Baby

I was gonna save this for my weekly update, but decided I probably wouldn't remember, ha!

Sweet baby,
As the weeks go by, more and more of your little incubating friends' moms and dads are finding out if they are a boy or a girl. I proudly tell them my predictions, then excitedly [and not very patiently] await their announcements, vicariously living through them. Each time one of them says "IT"S A..." I want whatever they have!
"How fun would it be to have another girl?!" I think "we already have everything we need!" The comfort and familiarity almost do it for me. But then I think "Oh, how much would I love a little boy!? What a change of pace would that be?!" And then my arms ache for you...whether boy or girl, they just ache to hold you.


But I have a slight confession, I want you to be a boy. When I nap, and when I lay awake at night feeling your hiccups, I have this beautiful dream of lifting you up, all gooey and wet exclaiming to Eamon "WE HAVE A SON!!! LOOK AT HIM, HE'S BEAUTIFUL" and rejoicing over your perfect newborn body as you let out your first cry. Elaborate? You bet! But I think about it all the time... 


Who knows, maybe I'm seeing your brother's future birth, maybe it's all wishful thinking, but dear little jumping bean, my excitement for you either way is overflowing!! Sometimes I think the challenge of raising a Godly man is given only to women who will take charge of that task, women you know are strong enough or loving enough, or even patient enough to do so. So I'm praying that if that's not me-not yet anyway- that God continues to fill my heart with joy and desire to raise women who are not broken, strong, gracious, loving women who know your name, who live for You, who breath in Your will, who will have the patience and love to allow me to raise a man with all the care he needs.


So for now sweet baby, I will enjoy the mystery. I will enjoy the sweet moments where I can feel you snuggle to one side of my womb, enjoy the sweet, unending mystery of how our Father knits you together without any effort, enjoy having you closer to me than you ever will be...


Love, 
Mama




Goodnight all!
And congrats to my friends who are recently expecting and those who just found out they are adding a precious blue bundle to their family today!!

Rat's Nest

Growing up, my mom used to tell us we had "Rat's Nests" in our hair when it was nappy. All of us at one point [with the exception of Hannah, the youngest, I think] had hair down to our butt or longer. I'm half Meskin y'all...that's a crap load of hair. When we'd brush our hair I often remember each of us going to her saying "Mama, I can't get this rat's nest out, can you get it?" when we'd have a particular baseball sized knot or two in our mane's.

Now when I look at my hair...All I see are rat's nests...even though there aren't any tangles.

I promised Eamon to not cut my hair till the baby was born, but when I see pictures of me like this:

All I want to do is chop it.
It's short, easy to manage, COOL...I could go on and on. BUT...I've always been at my thinnest when I decide to cut it like that. *I personally* think very few people pull off "Look at me and my huge belly AND my cute, chopped, trendtastic hair"...very, very few...


On Thursday, Katie and I finally have a hair appointment scheduled. I sent her this picture as a reference of what I'd like to do since I'm trying to grow it out. [NOT THE COLOR PEOPLE...not the color...]

It's not QUITE that long yet, but it's getting there. And I want bangs.

But then I saw that Cole on Pacing the Panic Room got a hair cut.

WHY is she so hot?! WHY?!?!?! I know I should just stop trying to be her, but these pictures made me want to get my hair chopped SO. EFFING. BAD. And, I wouldn't mind having a cute rat's nest of a bang...


Ugh.
What should I do with my rat's nest!?!?


Mae


***Edit***
Haha, so I got like three texts tonight [bc you people hate leaving comments...dumb] saying "WHY don't you just cut it?!?" Here's the answer:
Eamon.
He wants me to "Just freakin commit" to growing my hair out...bc I may or may not do this EVERY time I "grow my hair out"... But every time I cut it he says that it's his favorite look on me...so I don't even know why I grow it out, but he DOES NOT want me to cut it [...so he says now]

25 Weeks

Yup, there's the bumpage, growing, growing, growing :]
Hope you're all having an awesome week!

PS
Don't forget you can check out each week's [almost ;] progress right here!

Mae

Karate Kicks

Even though I only have a few weeks left in my second trimester [WHAT?!?!] I'm starting to enjoy this pregnancy more than ever! Our stresses have started to melt away [lets hope it stays that way!] we've gotten to spend some family time together, my hip issues are healing and baby is able to move freely now, I'm eating like a 300 lb man...Things are definitely looking up!

I wanted to share this with you all. I woke up this morning with some amazing karate kicks from Baby. It started warming up last night while I was helping Eamon with his homework, and have been getting stronger ever since :]

Isn't it the best?!?
I hope you're all having a wonderful Tuesday and enjoying the crisp air!

Mae

A lot to be thankful for

At the end of 2009/beginning of 2010 we were in a rough patch...for a couple of months. It seemed like every week I had to send out a new prayer request to fill our hungry bellies, heal Eamon's toe, fix our car, SOMETHING. This actually made someone we know send us an email to the effect of
"No one can have that much need all of the time. Either you think it's worse than it is, or you're doing something wrong."
It hurt, and made me really bitter. And since then, I hate asking for help.

So...in the past two months the past events have played out like this:

• Eamon switches his job and takes a huge pay cut of about 60%.
• We get cut off of Food Stamps bc I missed an appointment [bc we only have one car...]
• Rusty gets attacked my a pit bull through our living room window.
• New rowdy neighbors threaten Eamon and accuse him of being racist.
• Lily falls and cracks her head open, getting 27 stitches.
• We end up staying at friends houses bc we don't feel safe in our apartment because of threatening neighbor man.
• We move into a new apartment.
• And in two weeks, Eamon won't have a job for a few weeks because of Christmas break.

Add to this me being pregnant and you have a helluva mess.

But last week, I had to ask for help. I was falling apart, having panic attacks, not knowing what to do about much of anything. I felt stupid. I sent out an email to a dozen of my friends and birth team letting them know our stress situation, and ask them for help. It's the week of Thanksgiving y'all...I don't expect much help, and I'm scared to death of being judged.

But my God is good, and even more, He oversees everything. His widdled down my support group to the most beautiful, gracious, giving, selfless, wonderful women. Every one of them came through for me in some way. Bringing us groceries, volunteering their husbands to help us...ahem, Eamon, move, ordering us a meal or bringing one over so I don't have to cook, covering me in prayer, bringing Lily winter clothes...It's been a bit overwhelming how much love there is in my life right now. I continue to pray blessings over them and their families and hope that one day I'm in the position to help someone like they've helped me.

So despite being in crisis mode for all of the reasons listed above, this is what I will be giving thanks for:

• Reevaluating our budget to put every penny to God's perfect use.
• Rusty being completely healed and on guard at our new apartment.
• New neighbors with a daughter who's a month younger than Lily.
• Lily's nearly healed head that looks like a cat scratch now.
• Friends who will support and help us through a million different situations
• A new, bigger, nicer apartment [with two bathrooms! The tub is deep enough to cover my belly!!!]
• And an opportunity for Eamon to find a better job come this holiday season, hopefully carrying on through the next year

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! December is tomorrow! Hope it's starting to get chilly where you are!

Oh and let's not forget our tiniest [well, by weight] blessing :]

Mae

"So, Tell Us What Happened, Mom..."

This is a picture I took of Lily on Wednesday afternoon when we were waiting for Eamon to come home from work to go to the grocery store.

This is a picture I took of her yesterday afternoon after trying to clean her 15 stitches.

What on earth happened in those few days?

Eamon and I were both having crappy, lowsy, no good, rotten days. Half of his coworkers quit in one day and left him with an overwhelming amount of work. I had appointments and housework and [moms will totally get this] I couldn't get Lily down for a nap. I was at my wit's end! 

Around 4:30ish Lily was getting super antsy for some food, and I had roast in the crockpot, but was just gonna make her some toast to tide her over. I had dehydrated some sweet potatoes earlier that day, and they were on the kitchen table. Lily climbed up on a chair as I was getting her snack and all I heard was a BAM and a cry I can't even begin to describe. 

What happened next I can't really talk about without getting sick to my stomach. I look over expecting to see that, duh, she fell. I then realized that wasn't her normal cry, thinking she smashed her fingers under the back of the chair. Still looking at the ground looking for her fingers, I saw the blood. Lily then looked at me as blood gushed out down her face. [Pregnancy makes me cry too much thinking about it. I've had Eamon praying over me about it for days... It was something I've had nightmares about since she was born.] I saw the huge hole in her head and began to shout for Jesus's strength, praying peace over Lily, but all I could imagine was me sitting at her bedside for months while she was in a coma. I couldn't find my cell phone so I had to run next door to our neighbors to ask them to use their phone. I called 911, then tried to get ahold of Eamon. The ambulance was on their way, and I tried my hardest to "apply pressure" to Lily's head without fainting and making her hurt more..I had no idea how deep it was, just that it looked VERY deep....

The ambulance got there and I try to explain what happens, they immediately put us in to check her out. She's officially in freak out mode and I'm completely clueless as to whether my baby's gonna live. They tell me to go grab a diaper bag for an overnight stay at Cook's. I run inside, try to get Rusty back in the house, grab Baby, blanket, some diapers, a change of clothes for her, some shoes, and my purse and out the door I go. I also found my phone and am trying frantically to get Eamon. Lily's blood is slowing down but she is covered and so am I, and none of us still have any idea how bad it is. They said it was a very good sign that she didn't pass out and that she'd been crying the whole time, but that we shouldn't let her fall asleep yet. 

I finally get a hold of Eamon in the ambulance and realize something. I had the car for the day. And I had the car KEY in my purse. Of course.

So, all at once, very prone to motion sickness, 22 week pregnant, traumatized mother of a me is bouncing her bleeding baby to keep her awake, trying to pray for peace, wisdom, and healing, trying to get a prayer request going, and trying to figure out how to get Eamon to Ft Worth.

At this point [about half way to the hospital] Lily starts to fall asleep [remember, no nap + an adrenaline rush] and the EMT's say it's time to hook her up to an IV to keep her awake. Lily very politely said, "No, eff that, and eff you, sirs." and kicked and screamed, and squirted the IV liquid in their faces when she ripped out her needle. Twice. Sucked to watch, but it actually kept her awake, so that's good.

Still orchestrating how to get Eamon to us, barefoot and pregnant me gets rolled in with my screaming, bleeding baby. We get to our room to get checked out and I remember that the inevitable is coming.

Registrar "Your name, mom....and her's... date of birth... address... "

and then the conversation piece

"Is she up to date on her vaccinations?"

Me "No ma'am"

R "Which one's is she not current with?"

crap

Me "All of them, we've opted out"

You could probably hear the blood drying on Lily it got so quiet. She stopped typing, the EMT's stopped rolling out the gurney, the nurses stopped putting on their gloves. I guess we know how to make an entrance.

After the gawking and finger shaking they finally examine my baby. They began to clean and sterilize the area to wrap it until the surgeon could come in. They fit an entire cotton ball inside of it. I almost gagged. They told me she was looking great and that if she started to fall asleep that it'd be ok because she didn't show any signs of brain damage. Whew! My baby got a little 15 minute break, and with the help of our friends Jeremiah and Keri, Eamon finally made it to it. I heard the sigh of relief in his breath when he saw her awake and moving around [they had just given her some Motrin] and was again just blown away by what an awesome daddy he is.

Her doctors finally came in and told us what was going on and what was going to happen. After telling us that her hole was considered a "clean cut" and very low risk for infection, they told us they were very concerned that she didn't have her Tetanus shots up to date. [And I swear to G if any of you comment here about your disagreement with me, or some bullcrap about how it saves people in third world countries and doctors are awesome,  I won't post your comment. Lily didn't fall in a bed of rusty nails, and they admitted that it was extremely low risk for any infections, it's a whole 'nuther bowl of cheerios. Straight up, not the place.] After a long debate [when my daughter could have been being treated] we found out that no, she wasn't trying to give Lily a tetanus shot, but the DTaP...No thanks.

Our surgeon, who was also allergic to peanuts, and studied alternative medicine was assigned to Lily and began to explain what he was going to do. I decided that even though I never want Lily to feel like I'm not there for her, I couldn't hold her down and be there while they did her stitches. Thank God for manly, men like Eamon ;] He told us that Lily broke through every layer of skin and fat, but her muscular and skeletal structure was perfect :]

To cut it short [I'll explain this later too...gah...] Lily got 27 stitches to patch up the hole. 12 internally and 15 externally.

Hopefully, we are moving within the next few days [again, I'll explain this later too] so I might not be on again for a few days.

Mae

Please keep Lily in your prayers, she gets her stitches out on Tuesday, and keep our family in your prayers as we try to get a few things straightened out around here. Thank you so much.

Lovely Little Lily

Yesterday, Lily turned 16 months old. Whoa.

This was her yesterday at our 20 week appointment with our midwife Angela. She was such a stinker! Trying to accurately measure baby, clearly, she thinks she's more qualified ;]

Everyday I'm more and more impressed by her. She's coming out of her loud annoying [Mae] stage and entering this sweet, loving, empathetic stage.

She's potty training herself [with some help from me and EC] and we're well on our way to only having one in diapers when the baby comes.

It baffles me how much she understands me and can usually answer my "yes" or "no" questions.

She can say

ya

no

mama

dada

dog

Russ

dee [pee]

Yily [Lily]

toop [poop]

po-ee [potty]

bah-beh [baby]

Eyes

dose [nose]

mouf [mouth]

ouch

hot

"Wha is it?" [What is it or where is it depending, lol]

Dat [That]

Beh-ee bu-on [belly button]

taco

Yay!

Haday! [Hooray!]

Bye Bye

"Don do i" [Don't do it, HA!]

and a few others

She loves to color and draw [and eat crayons...they're non toxic for a reason I guess] and really loves to hold Rusty's rabbit and run around to make him chase her.

It's hard to believe it's just gonna get more awesome from here, so I'm just gonna soak it up while I can.

Mae

It's a....

BOY!!!!

or girl :]
It's gotta be one or the other, right? ;]
Don't you send me hate mail!

Yesterday we started our baby registry [don't worry, neither of those outfits are on it, lol] and got to spend a little time planning for him/her. Those of you with multiple kids know what little time you actually get to do this with the other one[s] running around all day! It was nice.

Also in yesterday's events was me falling directly onto my tail bone and sits bones. I was sitting on my [brand mother effing new, UGH!] yoga ball, CORRECTLY! and it popped right from underneath me. I have given birth naturally, and maybe shed one tear...I cried for five minutes after that. It hurt SO BAD...and still does. It threw a lot of stuff out of allignment and I'm still feeling pretty rough, really looking forward to some confidence from my midwife at our appointment today.

I found this amazing article earlier called "Become an Approachable & Empowering Natural Childbirth Advocate" and think it's amazing! You should go check it out!

Well, lots to do around here, hope your weekend was wonderful!
Mae

Mae Burke Photography

I can't wait to get my maternity pics done in January!

In the meantime, I'll just photgraph other ladies :


Go check em out! [Click on the pic to go to my blog ;]

I'll be back tomorrow with my 20 week update ;]

Mae

Error 404

I have been wanting to blog pictures of this past month...ALL MONTH!

But for some reason every time I start uploading them I get

Error: 404

and no pictures :[ Anyone else having this problem?!?!

Tiger Lily

On a lighter note, this is Lily's costume for tonight, plus some face paint. We're too excited!

Oh, and here's a little something spooky from a few years back ;]

Everyone stay safe!

Mae

Her Knight in Furry Armor

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you have heard the many tales of "Rusty Vs Lily"

After months and months of going to the NRH Humane Society to look at dogs, we got Rusty when Lily was 7 months old and since then they've had a very love, hate, love relationship.

When it comes down to it, Lily loves the dog to pieces, and loves pestering him just as much. The past few weeks I've been worried that Rusty is getting sick of it and will eventually grow bored...and out of love with his little lady.

Today, Rusty proved me wrong. He proved to be a part of this family that I will one day be heart broken to ever be without. Today Rusty saved Lily's life, and I got to watch my brave husband save his.

When we were getting our "to do" list together today I saw this dumb kid walking his pit bull mix on a huge chain through our dining room window. I pointed it out to Eamon because we're always talking about how unfortunate pit bulls lives are. Their owners think they're fighting dogs and that they'll look "bad ass" with a thick chain and pad lock around their neck.

[This is making me shake just THINKING about it...it seems like a distant dream now.]

All of our windows are open because the weather is just amazing right now and Lily and Rusty are playing at the window in the living room like they do all day, every day. [They're people watchers] I see the dog come to the window and get Eamon's attention. Lily and Rusty both lean up against the window to get a look at the dog. Rusty's not allowed to growl or bark in the house as to not instigate anything, and he RARELY does. Two sniffs later and we see/hear barking and growling. I get off of the couch to run to Lily and before I even get up the pit bull TEARS THROUGH OUR WINDOW SCREEN and lunges at our kids. Rusty places himself in front of Lily [there are the tears...] and takes the bite of the pit bull. I'm so scared but know I HAVE TO GRAB MY BABY. I scoop her up, trying my hardest to stay cool while Eamon is kicking the dog. I run into the bedroom and close the door, afraid the pit is going to come into the house and attack us too. I then hear yelping and hear Eamon go out the door. I run out a few seconds later realizing I need to call the cops before someone-my dog, or worse my husband- gets killed. The dog had grabbed Rusty by the neck and drug him out to the sidewalk in front of our apartment. I then see Eamon with the dog's chain in his hand beating the pit bull over and over to get him to let go of our dog. He didn't budge. He was thrashing Rusty like a rag doll.

I had a flashback to when I was a little girl and something really scary was happening. My mom was trying her hardest not to be in hysterics, and told us to go inside to avoid seeing something bad happen, that it'd be better to see the aftermath than to watch the act occur. Still clutching Lily I walked back inside-still on the phone with the police and waited to hear Rusty dying and the dog attack Eamon. In prayer mode I went. I then saw Rusty start running away as the pit's owner held him. Eamon ran after Rusty to make sure he wasn't running away to find a place to die [...at least that is what was going through my mind] and I went into mommy mode.

With his dog secured, I let the owner have it. His dog put three out of four of the members in a near death experience and if the dog came in our house...it could have ended very differently. I have never been so mad at a human being in my life-let alone expressed said anger to their face.

A few minutes later...our heroes came around the corner, Eamon with an adrenaline rush and Rusty with a limp. It was like the scene in Armageddon when all of the astronauts make it home safely and are walking out to meet their women that they protected. I was prepared to see the blood on Rusty and was trying not to freak out...he survived with a few puncture wounds on his neck, two cuts on his left front leg and a limp from being thrown in the air. This was not Rusty's first rodeo.

God has protected us in so many ways today, I'm not sure I can count them all. He gave us rusty 9 months ago to be Lily's best friend. He was there today to push Lily out of the way from a pit bull's mouth. He gave me a husband wise and brave enough to know what to do and actually do it, and He protected our dog in a miraculous way.

When the Humane Officer came to get our story and take a look at Rusty she said the pit probably thought of Rusty as a chew toy and that's why he didn't apply "deadly" force. Regardless, our scrappy little dog put his life out there for our baby. He held on and fought for his life for his family...I don't know that I can ever repay him. Who knows, maybe he thinks he's repaying US for rescuing him...

All day he's been right by our side-mine and Lily's that is. I told a friend of mine that I felt like he and Eamon said "These are MY girls, want me to prove it again?" and I know they would.

So even though she tries to poison him with grapes and raisins, and even though he thinks all of her bunny toys are his, and EVEN THOUGH Lily gets pure joy out of telling him "BAD DOG!"...Rusty will always be her knight in furry armor.

"

June

I'm supposed to be packing right now, but I need to put this into words.

This week was a lot harder than I anticipated.

When I posted this blog on Monday, I had no idea that it was National Pregnancy Loss week. When I saw the first "status update" announcing so, I wanted to stay off of facebook this week. I've been trying to deal with this all on my own terms, and to be frank, I'm pretty upset.

I knew that I lost the June baby the night it happened. I suppressed that thought quickly bc I didn't want anyone's pity, I didn't want anyone to compare me to anyone else, and I had no idea what to do. My trauma wasn't as severe as many of my good friends, and I felt like I'd be taking something away from them if I said I understood...but man do I.

When I filled out my paperwork for this pregnancy at the midwifery center, I didn't know how to answer the "Number of pregnancies" question. I felt like I was lying, like I didn't want to admit that my body had just failed. But I never got to see a baby on the screen, never got that little sign, but I knew.

A friend that I been sharing the fact I "knew" I was pregnancy asked me a few weeks later if I thought I had miscarried. I didn't want to say yes, that would be too hard. I just said "We'll never really know :\"

Hearing everyone's stories this week and seeing those who have had more obvious...maybe that's not the right word...but more obvious miscarriages and how they've gotten the chance to mourn, grieve, and re-cooperate has made me mad. BUT WHY SHOULD IT?! I was quickly blessed with this pregnancy, my loss only took a few days longer than my normal period, not weeks or months like other women, but my hurt was still there, I just refused it- to the point that it's hurt this pregnancy for me.

I have three close friends who have miscarried in the year since Lily's birth and they always talk about how they miss their babies. I want to say, SO DO I! I never even got to feel them! I even lashed out on a friend who said she had mixed feelings about her pregnancy because she knew that she wouldn't have THIS baby right now, if she didn't lose her first. I wanted to cry on her shoulder and say "Me too..." But no. I said "Stop dwelling on it" Like a mean, hurtful, bitter friend. I didn't get to say "I don't get to, so you shouldn't" but that's what I felt.

So tonight, before I leave to Rockport I'm going to start this process of healing for this baby, and be so, so, so grateful for the baby I have, the BABIES I have. First, her name is June. It's the first name I thought of when I got my suspicions. June wasn't even more than a few cells, but in the very short time I had her, I loved her so much. I was so excited for us, and I was so excited for Lily, I was excited to birth her.

I can't even tell you how much better just putting that into words feels...

If any of you have gone through something similar, I would love to hear your encouragement. I'll be back after the weekend after some time with my family in Rockport, but would still love to hear from you.

Thank you for letting me share.

Mae

What Pregnancy Has Taught Lily

Sometimes I joke about all the things Lily has learned since I got pregnant. She is a little sponge these days so every day I spend growing her sibling, she is presented with new knowledge. We watch birthing videos to prepare her for the sights and sounds that might go on when Baby comes, I let her play with my belly and we talk about how to take care of newborns. But there are some things Lily has come to learn...all on her own.

How to throw up over the toilet

This was first in the series of "Lily's pregnancy" that made me fall over laughing. I was brushing my teeth one morning and there she was, standing over the toilet, spitting, sayin "BLAAAAAGHHH!!!! BLAAAAAGGGHHH!!!" and would get up on her tippy toes every time she lurched. She even got the toilet paper and wiped off her mouth.

Rubbing my back when I puke

This one is really sweat, actually. Eamon rubs my back if he's here and tells Lily "Mama's not feeling good, can you come be sweet?" And Lily toddles over and starts to rub my back saying "Sweet"

She knows how to say "taco"

Like I've said before, beans and cheese are the only thing that appease this baby, so Lily and I find ourselves frequenting the Bueno's and Bell's of the DFW. It's become such an often occurance, that she picked up on "taco" The most hillarious part of this happened this weekend when we went to the zoo. We were sitting in the car and Lily was in the back seat eating her bean and cheese soft taco, talking to herself. In her broken baby English she said, "Haf to Baba! Haf to taco, Baba" ...She was telling her "baby" she "has to eat the taco" ....Not that she hears me justifying eating them or anything... I about died laughing!

She cheered when we heard Baby's heartbeat

This is by far the sweet treasure that has come out of this learning experience with Lily. At our 12 week appointment, I was sure she thought that Angela was torturing me, and the Doppler was emitting sounds from a deep underworld for sure, just not my womb. She cried, screamed, kicked, outright threw a fit over my exam....and dangit, she wasn't going to do it again. I've been prepping her for our 16 week appointment [which was on Monday] to try and avoid another meltdown. When it came time for Angela to feel my tummy and hear the baby...Lily was apprehensive, but cooperative. As we all sat there holding our breaths, waiting to hear that beautiful whooshing noise [only hearing lots of kicks :] Lily started to show panic. I told her it was ok, we were waiting to hear baby. As soon as the heartbeat picked up, Lily, without cue, starts clapping saying "YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!" We then lost the sound of the heartbeat because I was laughing so hard. It was quite a joyous start to our week indeed.

Well, this weekend we are headed to Rockport and Kerrville to see some friends and family and take some photos, but I'll be back soon :] Hope you all have an AMAZING weekend and that this fall weather actually starts acting like it!

Mae

Nothing to fear but Fear itself.

This was me last week

"And what if all this puking causes me to miscarry?"

"And what if my hips don't hold up like they did last time and I can't push my baby out?"

"What if I'm disappointed that it's a boy/girl?"

"What if Eamon is disappointed that it's a girl?!"

"I'm eating too much Bueno, he/she isn't getting enough nutrition." [beans are the ONLY thing that calms my stomach.]

"Is this just cramping or is this baby coming early?"

"What if Lily kicked me too hard this morning"

And the worst

"I'm not going to get to keep this baby."

This last thought has been in my head since the day I took a pregnancy test. I don't know if it's a lie from Satan, or the Lord trying to prepare my heart. Trust me, I've tried to figure it out.

The month before we got pregnant, June, Eamon and I had sex when I was ovulating. Shortly after I started getting fatigued, nauseated, I felt it. We were pregnant, I was sure of it. I started making plans to tell my family and friends at Lily's birthday party, planning to make her baby wear a onsie with the estimated due date on it. I was so excited-and late. I drove myself crazy with tests. I took eleven to be exact. Yup, ELEVEN tests. They all came back negative. But I "knew" I was pregnant. Well...needless to say, a heavy, hard, painful period came eventually. I went to the bathroom and noticed, and Eamon heard me whimpering from the living room. I could tell he was disappointed too. He tried his best to reassure me that it wasn't a miscarriage, that I was just late, [I never did get a positive test after all] but it didn't stop me from sobbing myself to sleep that night. That was the last time I thought it was miscarriage. After that I put it out of my mind and focused on the future, waiting till we moved to Austin and till Lily was a little bit older. The next month, obviously, we got pregnant when there was absolutely no way we should have. I was supposed to have started my period on our conception date. THis is the SECOND pregnancy that this has happened.

So, once a week for the eleven weeks that I've known about this beautiful baby inside me, I've hear this awful thing in my ear

"This baby isn't yours to keep"

I heard it when I was still nursing Lily, then thinking that it meant that Lily was taking from the baby. Nope, that wasn't it. I heard it again this week when I caught a stomach bug and couldn't stand up without puking. I spent most of the afternoon on my hands and knees crying and puking, crying and praying, crying and arguing with Eamon, crying and wanting my midwife there. I thought all the puking would cause contractions and throw baby into early labor. Nope, we survived. All night the little bean kicked and swam around, reassuring me that we were gonna be ok. I heard it again yesterday when after throwing up I had a cramp/contraction right at the top of my uterus that wouldn't let go. I laid on our living room floor with a heating pad praying the pain would go away, and that my fearful mind would cease it's doubts. Eventually it all stopped.

This morning, something came back into the front of my mind that I'm not sure what to think about. I think it's shameful when women try to make more of a situation to make themselves feel included, or to create more drama for themselves so know that is NOT what I'm doing. But I started thinking:

"What if my body is trying to grieve for the other baby?"

Again, I never got a positive pregnancy test. I never had the time to show, I don't even know if I had time for the little bean to attach. And I in no way WANT to have had a miscarriage, and I in no way can relate to the pain many of my friends have had over their lost children. But still...it makes since to me. What if the possible denial has driven me to doubt my body, my baby, MY GOD during this pregnancy?

After struggling with this I decided to start this week off new.

Last week I was very lucky to surround myself with women who love birth, who love me, and love Jesus. I went to a "Birth Stories" night at the birth center where the midwives got to tell their most amazing birth stories, and I'm not gonna lie, it felt good to hear midwife say that my birth was the best she's seen... I've had a few heart to heart's with women who have shown me support when I didn't know I needed or wanted it, and I've got everything planned out to have a peaceful, safe birth for this child THAT WILL MAKE IT. You'd think with all of my doubts I would start planning for a hospital birth, but it's done nothing but reassure me that I want to be in my own home surrounded by those who love me, who will sing praises with Jesus with me, who will kneel on their knees for hours to watch me and my baby labor, who will lay down their everything to be with us in those few hours.

I wanted to share with you who I plan to have my birth this week, even though I know I've got a long way to go.

Midwife #1 Angela Friesen: She was at Lily's birth and after hanging out with her this week, I'm even more excited to have her here for the next one, to pray patiently over me, and to remind me, You're having a baby...it hurts ;]

Midwife #2 Sarah Jones: The first new addition to our team this time around, I'm really excited for Sarah to be there to assist Angela in whatever she may need.

Doula Leila Farber: We will actually be having dinner with her when we come back from Rockport to make sure she's the perfect fit for us, but I've got a feeling she's gonna be exactly what we...I...need. She'll be there for me when Eamon can't and be there for Eamon when he is exhausted.

Birth Photographer Michelle Monk: I really wanted her at my last birth, but she hadn't done many births at the time and we had already hired Lynsey. She's become and amazing friend and I can't wait for her to share this experience with us as well as capture it.

The Husband Eamon: Without him, I don't think I would be able to do it. How men leave their wives in the hands of ahem..."professionals" at the hospital [or at home!!!] to go watch a game or play on their phone while their wife is going through the most life changing experience they will ever have baffles me. Eamon was my rock.

These are the people I will continue to look to for positivity and encouragement throughout the rest of this pregnancy [as well as a few other close friends] I'm extremely happy to have them and am actually really excited to see this growing into such a beautiful experience.

So here's to a new week! I hope that God shows you how to come out of whatever fear you may be trapped in and that you learn to TRUST even if it's the hardest, most unrealistic thing to do in your life...or so it may seem.

Mae

Lily's Lullaby

When Lily was in the womb, I would hum a tune that I planned to use in labor. Anytime I got Braxton Hicks contractions, anytime I was sick, and especially during the four days of false labor I hummed the tune and rubbed my watermelon of a belly. I wanted to know if she was a boy or girl sometimes so I could personalize a song for her. Every now and then I would play The Smashing Pumpkins' Lily [My One and Only] in hopes that she was in fact a girl and sway to the tune as I sang.

A few weeks before I left on maternity leave a woman who was setting up her next appointment with me had an unbelievable urge to tell me something about my growing little baby. She said "She is going to be a very musical baby" I kind of shrugged her off because I was almost certain she was a he. Eamon and I are both very musical people, but this woman knew nothing about me or him. She went on to tell me the unexplainable joy that she was going to bring us and proceeded to pray over my belly as she laid hands on me- despite the man behind her scowling and whispering profanities. I didn't really know what to think of it all...but it definitely stuck with me.

When Lily was just a few weeks old, she started to kick to the beat of almost any song. It was adorable. The first time I felt her kick inside me was when I was watching House when I was 12 weeks pregnant. She fluttered away as the theme song played. It was awesome. When she was just a few weeks old we started ordering all of the House episodes starting in season one from Netflix. Every time that Massive Attack song came on, a kicking she would go. Now Lily dances to everything from Lady Gaga [gag me] to Metallica, to George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic. She shows no bias when it comes to what she will and won't get down to.

But this also means that her favorite time of day is when we go to sleep. Most nights she won't go to sleep unless I spend a measly five minutes rocking and singing to her. "You're just too good to be true" "You are my sunshine" and "Goodnight Sweatheart" are her favorites but I've always wished that I had a song especially for her. Something very simple, something she could remember, something that on the stormiest of stormy nights would calm her and put her to sleep.

Last night the perfect tune and the perfect words came to me, and she was out like a light in no time.

LILY'S LULLABY

I love you, my girl

The day's through, my girl

It's time to

Say goodnight, girl

I love you, my girl

My honey, my girl

Sleep darlin', my girl

I love you, my girl

'Night darlin', my girl

Have a wonderful day friends!

Mae

Ps

Last night Baby #2 kicked so hard that I could feel it on the outside, it was great.

I actually think I have something non crap related to post about, but before I get to it, I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

I only have two people [one barely, the other by like 30 votes! She's a/was a radio dj so I kinda don't think it's fair.] beating me in the Mommypotamus Guest Blog Extravaganza, AND TODAY'S THE LAST DAY TO VOTE!!!

If all of you followers could vote and get like one person to vote, maaaaybe advertise me on YOUR blog, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!

So please, please, please, please, PLEASE go HERE THE YOUNG & THE PREGNANT and comment! [and don't go and comment on someone elses...that defeats the purpose....unless you really, really have to ;]

Thank you in advance ;]

Mae

Nice to meet you! Your kid smells like crap :]

I know it's been a while but this story has to be shared without a huge "this is what we've been up to" post.

Yesterday was our first visit to our new chiropractor, Chandra Crisp. I was very excited because I've been in a lot of pain that has led to a lot of worry that has led to self doubt. I've got some weird hips that need a lot of attention [that's what SHE said] and I've gone three months without any pain relief.

So yesterday morning I head to the fabric store to get all my materials for Mae Flower's custom orders and to stock up for Christmas materials. I allowed JUST enough time to grab a burrito, get my supplies and be at my appointment in time to get my paperwork filled out. [THEIR receptionist isn't as good as I was, so she didn't send it to me before hand ;] Before I left I saw about 5 diapers sitting in a chair by the door and thought "NAH, there are plenty in the car, I won't be gone that long, I should be fine." Besides, Lily just pooped and wasn't due for another number two till the afternoon. So I left, strapped her in the backseat and went along my merry little way.

We get to the office and start filling out paperwork. Everyone's looking at Lily funny and it's starting to freak me out. "Oh, it's just because she's SOOO smart, people aren't used to seeing a baby as active and intelligible as her." Idiot.

Paperwork is filled out and we are now waiting in a room for our doctor to show up.

I hear a knock, and in comes her smiling face.

"Well hi there! Aren't you a cutie?!" She says to Lily.

She introduces herself and we exchange our children's ages. As she sits down she says.."Hmm, someone's stinky! Do you have a stinky diaper?"

IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW...I have no sense of smell...well, I have a very screwed up sense of smell. Lemons, cigarette smoke and ketchup are all on my radar...and that's about it. Sometimes if Lily has a REALLY disgusting diaper I can smell it, but only when I open it. Also, because of my whacked out nose...I like the smell of baby poop...

SO ANYWAY....

I say something like "oh probably" We had pizza the night before so it didn't surprise me if she had gas. We talk just for a minute and then she says "Umm, so do you want to go change her?" Wow...it must be really bad. I stick my finger in the side of her diaper, as she tells me not to, but it comes out clean. "See," I thought to myself "I know when my kid poops, lady." I look down the BACK of her diaper...there is poop all the way up her back.

WHAT?!?

I check my bag...no diapers.

She takes me to the changing room. I start to panic.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Everywhere shit. What am I going to do?" I start to think. I thought- "Maybe this is one of those fancy doctors offices where they keep diapers in the changing room *just in case* they get an irresponsible mother of a patient like myself."

She shows me around and leaves me to it. No diapers. Anywhere. There were some wipes, 409, and a curtain. I panic again.

"Uh, I'll be right back, I'm just going to run to the car to get a diaper, silly me forgot to put one in my purse!!!" Half laughing, half dying inside, I run/walk to my car.

Eamon just cleaned out the car.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

I turned that dang car UPSIDE DOWN looking for a stupid diaper, a cloth diaper, a napkin, a burrito wrapper, SOMETHING to put on my kid's rear and could not find ONE THING.

I walk back into the office completely red in the face and she hands me a diaper and some wipes "I figured you couldn't find one" She said with a smile.

So off to the ill-equipped room I went again. As I'm walking in I look at the diaper. Lily is over 25 pounds. This diaper is like a size 2. Uhhhh...

I finally start to disrobe her [she was wearing a romper so I had to get her completely naked to change her] and notice there is poop EVERYWHERE. On her legs, on her clothes, on her belly. I'm doomed. DOOMED.

About a dozen wipes later, she is cleaned. And naked. Then I look at her clothes. I didn't pack an extra outfit. There wasn't anything in the car. To scrubbing I go. I take these stupid wipes and start scrubbing all the poop off her clothes. I finally start to see some progress but then realize something...WHERE'S LILY?!?!

My adorable, naked, crap smelling daughter was halfway to the waiting room, in the middle of their weight room-AHEM, N-E-K-K-I-D!!!!

I frantically run after her, drag her back in the room, squeeze her into the infant diaper, and maneuver her clothes back on her without smearing anymore poop anywhere.

By this time I just want to shrivel up in a corner with my broken hips and stinky baby and just be done with it all. But she was so sweet and we carried on our appointment anyway. I felt great! Physically, anyway. Inside I was STILL a wreck but thought "Ah, just go see Eamon at work. He should be on his lunch break and you can cry on his shoulder and tell him all about it."

We drive all the way back to TCC and get to the cafeteria. I wave Eamon down and he come says hi. Before I can say a word...

He picks up Lily and says "WHOA!!!! She smells like poop, babe!"

...Right there, in the TCC hallway I LOOOOOOOOOST it. And I didn't regain it till about 6 that evening.

Yesterday I learned that a toddler and a pregnant mother can still prove Forrest right:

"It happens!"

"What, shit?"

"Sometimes".

Have a wonderful, crap free weekend, friends

Mae

My Life in Bullets

Alright, I'm followin the trend!

• My pregnancy dreams are getting out of control! One minute I'm in Thailand fighting off snakes, the next I'm back home gettin dirty- Draper style, and the night before I was kidnapped trying to get my twitter followers to call 911 for me. I have an over active imagination sometimes...
• Go freakin comment on my guest blog on Mommypotamus!!!! NOW! I can win my own blogger domain, a fancy schmancy blog, and hosting for a YEAR!
• Lily is a trash digger. No for real. We haven't been able to fill up a trash can in so long because she gets down in there and pulls out egg shells and banana peels and general gross things.
• I've gone to bed the past two nights before 9 pm while reading. And I'm not ashamed.Which leads me to my next bullet...
• I read, and loved The Shack. Lemme be REAL honest for a sec...I didn't want to read it because most of the people that rave about it are way more wholesome than I and think that any representation of God where He doesn't have a white flowy beard, balding head, pudgy tummy and sit on a thrown on top clouds is just OUT THERE... So I was EXTREMELY skeptical going in. But man oh MAN...it challenged me, broke me, helped heal some DEEP wounds, and entertained me for a few nights. All that said...go read it!
• Yesterday, I'm not exactly sure what was going on, but I became quite fearful for Baby Love's life...weird cramps and contractions but no spotting. I had great friends and my midwife praying for me and it all stopped shortly after. What a relief! I can't believe I doubt God even though He blesses me unconditionally.
• Tonight there Ann Crowell and I are hosting a Baby wearing demo and Cloth diaper show by Hip Green Baby at the Gentle Beginnings Birth Center in Hurst! If you are in the area, COME SEE US! 7 pm!
• I feel my sexiest and most confident when I'm pregnant. Yup...apart from the first few weeks of "No way, you did this to me, GO AWAY" and the last few weeks of "Nuh Uh! Nothings comin in here till this thing comes out!" my husband is a very grateful man when I'm pregnant. As a result we are on the same page A LOT more..and who wouldn't be happy about that?!
• My upstairs neighbors moved...no...for REAL! I am going to dedicate a post to them soon and maybe even write a book about them...but Lily and I watched ecstatically from the window as load by load they moved stuff down from their apartment. It's been a nightmare ladies and gents, but I'm glad it's OVER!
• Sometimes I wish I was more secure in my racial identity...or lack thereof.
• Go read this right now. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there can relate...I laughed a good bit during the entirety of this!

Ok all, have a GREAT, FANTASTIC, GORGEOUS, BLAHBLAHBLAH weekend ;]

Mae

GUEST BLOG-DIGITY!!!

I know, I know...I'm an awful blogger. But YOU try throwing up, cleaning poop, breaking up interspecies fights and blogging all at once.

But I will be back this evening with a short update of how everything is going.

IN THE MEANTIME....

The Mommypotamus is on maternity leave, but she didn't want to leave her readers bored. So she opened this amazing contest to help her out. She's having a guest blogger every day for a few weeks to give her a break. The person with the most comments on their blog post gets their very own fancy schmancy blog and their own domain FOR A YEAR!!!

People, I'm the most hilarious, beautiful, wise woman you know! And a pathological liar at times...but that's not the point. Go to my post [it's open for comments til the last blogger blogs!] and comment your heart out!!!! Get your friends to comment, your cat to comment, or even that person in high school that you dread will one day find you and want to be your friend even though they were evil to you...to comment. [My brain is...much too crowded today...]

Get to gettin!

The Young & The Pregnant

And yes...I realize that my post may be the only one that isn't breaking new ground on "scientific analysis of why organic blah blah blah does blah blah blah for the blah blah blah" or that it isn't as sentimental as "why my baby's head smells better than anything in the whole wide world"...it's still awesome. GO COMMENT!!!!

See ya lata!

Mae

Labor Day Pictures

Even though today's weather is no indication, yesterday's was absolutely perfect. We went to the lake with our friends Katie and Dusty and their little boy Henry.

The Browning/Burke gang

I don't know WHY this picture is so big...but whatevs, she's amazing.

Henry, Lily's boyfran

BFF's

Skinny, tall family...

Short chubby family...that forgot their swimgear :] We got in anyway!

The men fished...or something like it [Eamon was behind the camera, so no pics of him :[

All in all, we had a great day. Food plus water makes for a happy pregnant lady :] Hope you all had time to relax with your families!

Mae

Labor Day Weekend

Today we went to a water park :] I've been looking for something like this ALL SUMMER, but Eamon found it yesterday...the day before it closes, of course. So today we went to Freebird's, ate like kings [uuuuuuh...I have never in my life had trouble eating a bird, but man OH MAN...this was hard...Little One had me barf-bound all day.] and went to the park for a few hours, it was GREAT!

We didn't get many pictures because we were having SO MUCH FUN, but I did get this picture of Lily eating her "Baby Bird" [the lady that made hers wrapped it like a burrito so I looked in our bag and there were two regular sized burritos and one itty bitty one...almost died] during her break [AHEM...during the "mama just made a huge ass out of herself and busted her lip and almost drowned in the kiddy pool...I wish I was making this up] How could you not love her? HOOOOW?!?!?

And here's a belly shot of this week :] I've still got a lot of extra skin from when I lost all my baby weight that I'm still not too happy about, but hey, shake whatchya workin with, right?

Hope you're all having a lovely weekend!!!

Mae

"M" Is For...

Morning Sickness:

It is never ending. But my poor husband and Lily now know when it's coming. They know if I say "Aw Man!!!" [or something else that I sh

ould NOT be saying around my daughter] and start running for the bathroom it's time to grab the peppermint oil, cup of water, and come hold my hair. Last night I g

ot caught in a viscous cycle of dry-heaving...it was awful. I thought I was gonna die...[actually, what I was thinking is that "Why is it that I puke so much but I don't have a six pack?" my abs are SORE from these stupid upside down trips the the toilet.]

Madmen:We've got the fever...For real. We got rid or our basic cable to cut back on expenses and got a Blockbuster trial...I just want to watch it forever. There's a little too much sexy sex, but it's not "HBO bad." I thin

k if more people knew what kind of TV characters I drool over...they'd judge me...BUT I CARE NOT! Don Draper, you bad, BAD man...I love you. You too, Joan.

Milk: Weaning Lily is going great. She goes all day without any milk. Last night I came home from yoga and Eamon had Lily fed, bathed, and was rocking her to sleep! SHE SLEPT ALL NIGHT!!!! It was amazing indeed.

Mommypotamus: The Mommypotamus [aka, my friend Heather] is an amazing blogger. She just announced the most awesome giveaway ever in order to have continuous guest posts on her blog while she's on "blog related" maternity leave, as I call it. GO CHECK IT OUT!!!

"M" was also supposed to be for Monday... but I didn't get a chance to finish this yesterday ;]

And this is what my dreams look like...Minus Kate Suckling, Randy Jackass...but somehow Jimmy Fallon does slip through...

Have a great Tuesday all!!!

Mae